North's Journey Journal

UPDATE: Stef and I are getting Married on December 16th!!!. After the Marianne Williamson event we both realized, why wait ‘til April. I am so delighted to see Stef so happy and enthusiastic. This journey has been so demanding on her and to see her bright lights shine like a Christmas tree is so heartwarming. Both the prospect of a beautiful wedding with close friends and family and being in love together, as a married couple, is another confirmation of how blessed I am. Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da Life Goes On .

Another reason I feel blessed is that the last PET Scans showed a marginal improvement. The cancer did not get worse, although one lesion grew slightly, the others shrank and some activity disappeared. Overall they called it a 10-20% improvement. So we bumped the Chemo Dose higher and we’ll see what happens next. Another scan will be in January. That is the beauty of medicine and science— we get a dose of certainty that can comfort us. Sorta’ like enjoying hot chocolate on a winter night. There is a high probability that it will be warm and taste good. Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da… and then perhaps not. Can we still sing Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da regardless?

The greatest challenge I am finding is learning to not expect certainty, as life just does not flow with solidity. Sometimes the hot chocolate spills or gets cold too fast. Stef and I are simply learning how to surrender, stay open to Miracles and be receptive to how wondrous life can be. Not an easy state-of-mind to maintain, but acceptation sure beats the disappointment of unfulfilled expectations. A little over a month ago, I had an incredible experience that helped me realize how to approach a more Peaceful state-of-being. It was with Byron Katie and a process she calls “The Work”.

At the invitation of friends I went to a Byron Katie public workshop in LA on Saturday October 28th. There were 400 people in the room complete with lights, sound and video recording of what transpired on stage. I had committed to be one of the volunteers to go on stage and sit with her and engage in a dialogue she calls “The Work”. An examination of how thoughts trigger feelings that may or may not be warranted and how in turn that creates experiences and beliefs that often only lead to more stress, separation and fear. As I sat in the audience, using her questionnaire, I scoped out the heaviness of cancer on my thoughts and heart. I watched two others sit in conversation with her on stage. Through a loving and firm conversational style, she would ask and probe what their responses and thoughts. When my turn came to sit with her, I immediately felt the presence of Love and Truth. She has beautiful Spirit filled eyes. They are mortal but hold the wisdom of a Goddess. Her own life experiences have given her the gift of going through significant life challenges such as cancer and near blindness.

Katie immediately focused in on how much I wanted cancer to stop growing and leave my body and how I described it as greedy, unfair, and self-absorbed. I shared with everyone that I no longer wanted it to continue hurting my body and my loved ones by creating tears and loss. She took those thoughts and held them out for me to examine and recognize the negative emotions that they triggered. She encouraged me to consider who I might be without them and how I would feel. To be brief, after about 45 minutes with this magnificent teacher, I left the stage a changed man Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da.

As I sat with her, I realized that I had been at war with the cancer. And in that state of mind, nothing but loss and stress could be the outcome. She keep pressing a hypothetical outcome— “How will you feel if you keep going back to the Doctor only to have our prayers go unanswered as the lab and scans show evidence of the cancer persisting.” My immediate realization was that all my war efforts would be demoralized…. only my fear and stress would become solid and constricting. What would I become then? She was not insisting that cancer would persist; she was challenging my attachments to outcomes, so that I could open to a greater truth. I realized that while at war, I was not living from my Faith or my true essence as an expression of Spirit. If I am to be True to myself, I must embrace all of Life. Life has pain, suffering and difficulty. And it is also Beautiful, Joyful and full of Love. To reject and be at war with any of my Life is to shortchange my experience. I suddenly realized a better and more consistent option would be to learn to Co-exist with it. From that revelation, Katie helped me to realize what a blessing accepting “what is” can be. This does not mean, I have surrendered to cancer being a victor. It means I stand in the flow in my Faith thoughts and let the insurgents or my constricting thoughts dissipate. This means my thoughts about cancer are not solid, but Life filled. I am seeing the circumstances of my Life in a new Light. Life is so diverse and so infinite. It is an expression of God- or however you hold a sense of a Higher Power that created and energizes this material field of existence. Who am I to pass judgment on any part of this Creation? In doing so, I am missing the opportunity to embrace it fully.

My Grandmother, Maw-Maw, told my Dad and he often reminds me of what the Apostle Paul said to the Disciples- "Having done all, to stand. Stand therefore..." (Ephesians 6:11, 11, 14). I had taken this passage as a metaphor of surviving difficult times as if at war. Stand your ground. I now believe it is more a resolve to Love and accept Love. For me, constricted thoughts about the predicaments of my life have only lead to a belief that I was separate and alone on my life Journey...at war with possible rejection, illness, and suffering. I interpret the verse now to mean … Love Life As It Comes and Stand in the Faith of Knowing We Are Safe in Spirit and Not Separate From It No Matter What Happens.

As I left the stage, Stef said to me “Do your realize that every eye in the room fixated on you? People laughed and cried at your story and your openness?” As we stepped out of the meeting room, we must have had 30-50 people come up and extend appreciation, kind words, references, and Love at what had transpired.


As I listened to their comments, I thought of the pictures my Dad had recently sent me of the beautiful fall leaves in the Smokey Mountains, where I grew up. They were unusually ablaze this year. Greater than they have been in decades some say. As they fall away, they leave the trees bare- ready to regenerate a new fresh vitality across the landscape. Letting our thoughts drop away frees us. Then we can stand as a tree, rooted in our deeper roots of Joy. I thought about Robert Blys’s poem and how I was drawing up something deep from within the great root of Life.

We did not come to remain whole.
We came to lose our leaves like the trees,
The trees that are broken
And start again, drawing up from the great roots.
(Complete Poem Below)

As I reflect back over the past month— Byron Katie, Marianne Williamson, new PET Scans, so much generosity that has been extended, and an upcoming marriage to Stef, I feel such depth to Life. To sum it all up, I’ve had the opportunity to sit in the presence of Divinity- everyone in those gathering halls was a face of God with their own story of Living and Loving life to the fullest. The Doctors offices are no different. Just as the outpouring of support we have received in calls, cards and donations. In each I join in that great magnificent field of Life that we all share. In that place I play, sing and dance my fear thoughts away. Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da.

Thank You for Taking Time to Read This
North


A Home in Dark Grass by Robert Bly
from THE LIGHT AROUND THE BODY

In the deep fall, the body awakes,

And we find lions on the seashore
Nothing to fear.
The wind rises, the water is born,
Spreading white tomb-clothes on a rocky shore,
Drawing us up
from the bed of the land.
We did not come to remain whole.
We came to lose our leaves like trees,
The trees that are broken
And start again, drawing up from the great roots;
Like mad poets captured by the Moors,
Men who live out 
A second life.
That we should learn of poverty and rags,
That we should taste the weed of Dillinger,
And swim in the sea,
Not always walking on dry land,
And, dancing, finding in trees a savior,
A home in the dark grass,
And nourishment in death.

from THE LIGHT AROUND THE BODY

Update: (Story of Event Follows)

I am so grateful for all the Love and support I have received and experienced in the past three weeks. Please, know that everyday I am in deep gratitude for all the Faith, financial support and Prayers that have been sent. Know that each is healing me. Because of the generosity of people attending the Marianne Fund Raiser and other donations, we are able to take a breath and know that our immediate bills and medical expenses are managible. This will enable to us to take the next step towards self-suficiency. This Blog will take you about 8 minutes to read. I hope you can find the time, as it describes one of the most significant events of my life.

I started Chemo Treatment on Friday Oct 20th, just two days after getting the Pet and CT Scan results noted in my last Blog. Its been about 28 days since then, a moon cycle. The chemo cocktail is 110 mg Cisplatin w/ Mannitol (systemic), 110mg Toxtere (doxetoxal) (lung) and 5 FU (liver). The latter is infused via my heart beat from a fanny pack that I wear for four days. As I write this Blog, I am on my fourth day. This cocktail was just approved by the FDA on Tuesday 10/17. I feel blessed for such care. The primary side effects have been hiccups and mouth sores. No nausea or extreme fatigue.

On the mental, emotional and spiritual realms I feel healed. There is a circuit being made with the physical that I can’t fully describe in words. There is a true sense of well-being flowing. My friend Dr Ed Taub tells me that it’s Nitric Oxide, Chemical notation “NO”. I’d rather call it “YES”. On the website for the Nobel Prize winning scientist that discovered its effects, it is described as a new Principle for signaling in the human body. (See link below for more) I prefer to think of it as a signal from God that Love has Graced my life and I have finally surrendered to accepting to that Blessing.

Our Story Continues…
In three fast weeks, major events have redefined the fields in which I live out my life – some cultural holidays, some political, some community, some family and some very spiritual, emotional and personal. Having a journal or Blog can help us capture the facts of events. Yet, for me, the energy of revelations from first hand experience cannot be held anywhere but in my heart. Pam Kennedy, a social worker, remarked this morning- “Words are so 2 dimensional, while experiences are 3-D.” I wish I could just sum up this Blog like The Beatles sang- “Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da Life goes on.” But, inquiring minds never sleep.

In short, I have been transformed as the result of two major public experiences with two of the great spiritual women of our time- Byron Katie, who I met on October 28th and Marianne Williamson who headlined a Fund Raiser for us on November 5th. (See link below for more on who they are below). Since the Marianne experience touched so many that know us directly, I’ve chosen to write about it first. In the next few days I’ll write about the Byron Katie experience and some other personal events. They will be out of order, but as the Southern Pulitzer Prize winner, Eudora Welty said “The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order: the continuous thread of revelation.”

Through Marianne’s and Katie’s presence in my life, my thoughts and beliefs have been shaken to the core and are now emerging fresh and new with Confidence and Peace for my emerging journey. Katie healed my confused mind. Marianne healed my wild heart. I am eternally grateful to Spirit, in its infinite wisdom, to send these two beautiful souls into my life with such perfect healing and timing. Both events occurred right after I got the Scans reports and during a time I am facing questions of mortality with Stef, Zach, my family and friends. I was not expecting what occurred at either event. Nor was I expecting the profound impact on others that witnessed the events.

So many have shared their feeling and impressions. I welcome your thoughts, so please write to me. Your perceptions help me to comprehend and connect even deeper to the significance of the way God is working in all our lives.

Marianne Williamson Fund Raiser- Nov 5th
Audio CD Sound Tracks Available SOON at www.NorthandStef.org
Last Sunday at the Center for Spiritual Discovery(link below), we were joined by over 110 new and old friends to celebrate life and share in the inspiration of wonderful musicians, Marianne’s words of wisdom and food and fun. I was certain about my expectations for the evening, but God had something else in mind.

Marianne spent some private time, before joining our guests, to sit with Zach, Stef and me. She immediately sized up the situation— a gift that is as wondrous as her writing. She saw that the three of us are dancing with fear, confusion, faith and hope. For me it’s like being on a narrow mountain ridge on the way to the Top of the Mountain. There is a constant awareness of death on one side and Life on the other. She quickly helped us to move to a place of gratitude in our confusion. For in the midst of the Journey we have discovered so much Love together. Marianne honed in on my sense of worth or as I have a habit of saying “I have not done enough yet with my life. What if I don’t reach the Mountain Top before I die?" Or as she put it “You take the 5:05 train instead of the 10:15.” She moved me to a place where I realized, I had already arrived at the Mountain Top. Stef and Zach are It! From that elevated perspective, I do not need to climb any higher. I can see Stef as a radiant woman, full of Love for me and nurtured by our shared journey. And I can see Zach as the youthful young man he has become, filled with Love for me and capable of living life fully. A prayer parents dream for their children.

As we left that meeting, there was serenity in our path, and that settled my concerns about what to say on stage as we greeted everyone. Stef and I stepped up and just surrendered to the energy of Love filling the room. Yet, no one was prepared for how the Love would raise the roof. Once Stef and I had greeted everyone and told our story; the musicians and Marianne, set about knocking down walls of separation between my mind and heart and opening doors to divine Love from everyone in the room. Mark Romero played his Flamenco guitar music as people entered. (See link below for more on Mark) I love this style of guitar playing because its origins came from the merger of at least four cultures. Its like a rhythm that proves coexistence is possible: the Gypsies, the Moors or Arabs, the Jews, the indigenous Andalusians of southern Spain together influenced the style. And I love it because it invites El Duende- Federico García Lorca was a Spanish poet who said "The great artists of Southern Spain … regardless of whether they sing, dance or play instruments, know that no kind of emotion is possible unless the duende arrives". For me, El Duende is the rhythm of how we take in Life- the miracle of birth, the dangers of emergence and the arrival of death. Mark opened and closed the evening with his magic call of duenda... it arrived … opening layers of emotion. Then Faith Rivera soled and teamed with Gerald White to make certain the emotional temperature of the room was divinely inspired. (See link below for more on Faith and Gerald, plus lyrics to the songs that moved the night)

By the time Marianne took the stage, there was not a dry eye to be found. Especially, mine. Rather than going into a motivational lecture, she instead opened with Prayer and stated- “This is a heart breaking night and this is a Beautiful night, it does not get any better than this or worse than this, this is Life!” Then over the next 45 minutes she took my heart and soul and placed me before my friends to be bathed in the purity of Love, authentic expressions of encouragement and deep healing that can only come from a connection to the ONE. She took the spirit of El Duende and had us all dancing with the incomprehensible merger of Light and Shadow. She reminded me that I once said to her, “I’ll die if I don’t get real.” To that she added, “One of the ways to get real is to face death..” Then she boldly reminded us, “With our mortal minds and none of us can know what time North’s train depart and that concern is really irrelevant as eventually everyone takes a train out of here.” I realized in that moment, its really a question of what do I do with the time that I have been given. Do I worry about not doing enough or do I simply Love the life I have been given? With the Love in the room, the answer was clear, drop the old habits and greet a new day.

She evoked the presence of Jesus as she reminded us of His last hours before the crucifixion. She praised everyone for remaining awake in his or her faith by coming to support us in our Journey. The she prayed earnestly that there had been enough tears and loss and asked the Divine Physician to cast out the darkness and replace it with Vitality, Health, Peace and Love and that every cell of my body be healed. As she spoke she invited friends speak out their words of medicine from their hearts. So many beautiful words rang out. Then she invited Rev. Jim (link below) an others to come forward and surround me. Zach and Stef were among the first, co-placing their hands on my heart. I felt the warmth of a least 20 people that squeezed up on the small stage. As I closed my eye and received, I felt as though I had been covered with a wonderful soft comforter on a cold winter night. The wind may be howling, but I am all snuggled up, safe and warm. Like putting on nice warm socks and feeling my toes wiggle all cozy inside. It is a memory that I will savor forever. Thank you God!

She was not finished with me. As everyone took their seats, she had be stay and sit facing the stage. Then she invited individuals to come forward and tell me what I meant to them. After several friends came and spoke, Stef and Zach closed. Stef was so beautiful standing there declaring I was her True Lifemate and Soulmate, and expressing deep gratitude for the Joy and Happiness we have created together. Then came Zach. He was so courageous; all 18 years of him came bravely forward. He stood there moving nervously back and forth, searching for the words and then he breathed in deep. Looking at me, squarely as a young man that has found his own, he said, “ You are my hero, you are my Spiderman!” Then he sat down with tears swelling up in his, mine and everyone’s in the room, he said, “You always will be, whatever happens.” For Zach that is the highest praise possible. Spiderman is his archetype for power and positive character. I was so moved and will never forget his courage. For in that step onto the stage, I saw my son take responsibility for his own path in life.

The evening then ended with a community sing-a-long of Lean on Me lead by the Faith and the musicians. It was so amazing because throughout Marianne’s talk she kept referencing and encouraging me to “Lean on the Faith of everyone one in the room”. We had not shared the closing plans with her. She had no way of knowing, except intuitively.

So, out of this dark journey into the woods so many blessings have come and with it so much Light. Stef and I are deeply in love, Zach and I have a rich and wonderful connection as a Father and Son and my family in Tennessee and I are closer, despite the 2000 miles that physically separate us. My thinking about cancer has been transformed. Instead of hovering around like dragons to eat me up, my thoughts are transforming into Angels that are bringing revelations of how wonderful Life has become as I accept coexistence with whatever Life hands me.

Thank you for taking time to read this. Your Love and support are forever woven into my heart. “Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da Life goes on.”

____________________________________
LINKS

Nitric Oxide http://nobelprize.org/

Marianne Williamson
She is an internationally acclaimed author, lecturer spiritual activist. She has published nine books, four of which - including the mega bestseller A Return to Love and Everyday Grace - have been #1 New York Times bestsellers. As of 2006 HarperCollins had published eighteen of her works. The press has referred to her as a modern-day shaman a Mother Teresa for the ‘90s. Marianne has been a popular guest on numerous television programs such as Oprah, Larry King Live, Good Morning America, and Charlie Rose. http://marianne.com

Mark Romoero- http://www.markromeromusic.com/
Faith Rivera http://www.faithrivera.com/
Gearald White http://www.geraldwhitemusic.com/
Rev. Jim Turrell- Center for Spiritual Discovery

Byron Katie
TIME magazine has profiled Katie, calling her “a visionary for the new millennium.” In March 2002, Harmony Books published Katie’s first book, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, co-written with renowned author/translator Stephen Mitchell. Loving What Is has been translated into twenty languages. It reached as high as #21 on Amazon

____________________________________
Songs That Moved the Night

God Is
by Faith Rivera

Where I am God is
Where I stand God is standing strong
Where I breathe God is breathing life
In & out & through me as me

Where I sing God is
Where I dance Joy lifts my feet
Where I live Beauty’s running free
In & out & through me as me

Where I run God is
Where I race God is strength within me
Where I reach God is carrying me
In & out through me as me

Where I doubt God is the faith in me
Where I cry God is the comfort there
Where I seek God’s the answer
Here, now forever & ever & ever

Where I speak Truth is
Where I work Love is my career
Where I play God is playing boldly
IN & out & through me …as me

Where I am
Where I stand
Where I play
Where I work
Where I sing
Where I dance
Wherever I go
Where I pray & take & give & love

God is… God is… God is… God is…

____________________________________

The Prayer
Sung by Faith Rivera and Gerald White
Original by Céline Dion & Andrew Bocelli

I pray you’ll be our eyes,
and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise,
in times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer,
when we lose our way
Lead us to a place,
guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe.
La luce che tu dai
I pray we’ll find your light
Nel cuore resterà
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
L’eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c’è
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe

Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternità

La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
È il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amor
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a sè
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child

Need to find a place,
guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salverà
_________________

Lean On Me
Closing Song Lead by Faith and Gerald
Original by Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you WON’T let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

you just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that YOU’LL understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For ,it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

YA just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that YOU’LL understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me
call me (if you need a friend)

An Update: Yesterday was a new milestone in our journey. We got the PET and CT Scans results. It wasn’t what we were expecting. The disease has dispersed. Meaning it is now in a various locations including my lungs, liver, abdomen, and on the bone in my lower back. There were microscopic nodes in my lungs before we started treatment in May. So, there was the possibility of them still being present. We just were not expecting more. The spots on my lungs have grown and some are new. I am in no discomfort, except from a sore back from a few bad beds and a nasty bump I took while boogie boarding. I’ve been active- not in vigorous exercise, but able to play in waves, do some light hikes and short walks. My hair has come back darker and thicker. My weight has stayed stable. So given my state of overall vitality, this news was very much a surprise.

What this means medically is that I have a serious disease that is systemic. The treatment process is chemotherapy and probably for many months. I start on Tuesday of next week. The doctors are still working out which Chemo Cocktail and for how long. Many people that face this are often older and frailer. Their quality of life becomes a major issue. For me I am young and I have strength. I should be able to endure the Chemo. Its more a question of what and how long before the disease responds. Plus, there are new treatments coming out everyday. I will also be starting an even more dedicated wholistic life style. Yoga, more vegetarian based diet, and meditating and praying throughout the day.

What this means in terms of our lives: Stef and I are swinging on an emotional bridge right now. Stunned, in disbelief, sad, and scared. As Stef put it feels like we got suckered punch in the stomach. Future plans for work and personal interests are back on hold again. We don’t have enough information, yet.

As we entered the doctor’s office yesterday, we found ourselves singing- That’s Alright Mama, by Elvis Presely. (His first recoding with Sun in 1954- the year I was born) We were just being silly. Its interesting that being silly at one time meant you were blessed. The song was comforting. But as I sat there hearing the news from my Head and Neck Surgeon, a 1,000 thoughts and questions erupted. There was no singing to the news. I tried to remain calm, but inside I felt like a carbonated beverage bottle all shook up. He is a man of clarity and unique compassion. I asked him for statistics- his primary answer was that there were way too many variables to make a prediction. What he was saying is that Life is always contingent. That is we can never be certain of what we may be dealt. But Stef and I believe we can be certain of how we react and choose to live. As Dr Armstrong’s nurse Cheryl put it there are two paths— Focus on the Disease Process or the Treatment Process. For the present moment we are staying focused on the Treatment Process and holding the vision of perfect medications, right living and total healing.

We spent yesterday afternoon trying to digest the information. Then we had to call family and friends. When it was all done we took Barnie for a nice long walk along with Craig our guardian landlord. As we headed out I found myself singing my Elvis impression of “That’s Alright Mama.” I was feeling blessed in the company of Love.

To focus on the disease process, is to focus on the darker aspects of this journey. Yes, there is evidence of a tragic disease having free range in my body. We will not deny that. But, there is so much more to who I am. There is so much more to who we all are. I have an awareness of my thoughts, my emotions, and my spirit. Those are not physical molecules. They are not limited by the results of the scans. The degree that I can keep my mental, emotional and spiritual awareness focused on what is in right here and right now is directly related to my ability to heal. If I were to fall into the traps of “ain’t it awful”; “who am I”; “what’s the point”; what if-ing and so on, I’d be betraying all that I believe about existence and life. As Stef put it before we got the results- we have to keep our “allowance portal open”. By that she meant we have to know that no matter what there are possibilities of the highest good regardless of the circumstances we face. And that is where community, Faith in God and Hope step in. Turning the fear over to a Higher Source is the key.

Many years ago, Stef helped me come to terms with a worldview that had confused me for a long time. She helped me see that Light can always be turned on in the darkness. Just like a light in a dark closest. But darkness can’t really negatively impact light. We can always find the door by looking for the cracks of light around the edges. Throughout last night, there were moments where it felt like this disease has taken control of my life. We couldn’t find the light or the door. But I have to work on my perceptions to keep from slipping into the negative illusion that what we fear is more powerful than what we Love. I have to remember, there is always a “crack in everything” that is how the light always gets in”. So as Stef, Zach and I and our families face the darkness of this news, we know that prayer, community and Love are with us. We know that the perfection of God’s Peace and Love is in all things and that is the source of our strength.

Yes, I am scarred. Yes, I am concerned about how this will affect those that I Love- Stef, Zach, family, friends. But, I also know that I can fight this and there is so much more light that can come into this situation. So if you see me walking around singing “That’s Alright Mama” with a big ole crack in me, know that it’s the way the light is getting in. Recognize that I am just keeping my “allowance portal” open for unseen positive possibilities.

Thank you for all your prayers and Love. They are making the difference in this journey of healing.

Today the calendar shows it is the Fall Equinox. Technically, it is not until the 23rd at 4:13 am. Traditionally, this is the time to recognize summer’s end and the fall harvest. What we planted in the spring is now gathered for the winter. Our ancestors saw this as a time of reaping abundance and letting go that which no longer served them. It’s a time to count our blessings and be grateful for what we have. From an astronomical view the Equinox is the moment when the Sun is located right over the equator. The event occurs twice a year, around March 20 and September 23. If we could pull back from the Earth enough we would see that on this date the Sun spends an equal amount of time above and below the horizon at every location on Earth. That is equal time of day and night. The word equinox derives from the Latin words aequus (equal) and nox (night).

So I ask myself- what am I reaping out of what was planted in the spring? It was March 23rd when the operation occurred- Spring Equinox.

Over the past few days I went back to visit with Dr Evans and Dr Armstrong. I scheduled my reconstruction surgery for sometime in November. Dr Evans is a brilliant plastic surgeon. One of the joys of going to an academic hospital is that there are always students to come observe. I of course am a unique case. This visit he had about six students parade in. One was from Thailand. If you recall, I asked Dr Evans to plant love and joy into the cavity that was created in my face after they removed the tumor and sinus maxillary. Of course he successfully placed in muscle and tissue from my stomach. It has now settled to an almost normal size. The upcoming surgery will be to make it even more balanced and open up my mouth cavity for clearer speech. As I shared my “flap” with the students I pointed out the “joy and love” that was growing inside. “I am so happy”, I said and that was the truth!

My visit with Dr Armstrong was to check my ear for plane flights. There is some restriction of the air passage in my right nasal passage. This could effect my ability to equalize the pressure in my right ear. Not being able to equalize, puts added pressure on the ear drum, which could burst in the middle of a flight. Turns out I have some ability to equalize and it will probably be ok, as long as the flight remain pressurized. Of course it doesn’t, there will be bigger issues. I did learn that I have lost some high-end frequency hearing in my right ear (radiation/chemo effects). It is slightly affecting my ability to hear, so my left ear is stronger. My right side of my face seems to becoming the darker- no eye and loss of salivary glands, teeth, and now less hearing. But in so many ways it is where I find redemption.

Beyond these factors, I am still gaining weight and all my vitals continue to be good. I just have to drink a lot of fluid everyday- about 2 liters. Its something we all need to do anyway. The one unexpected change is that my hair is coming back thicker and darker. I think its probably Dr Ed Taub’s Nature Code vitamins. And who knows a good dose of chemo and radiation may have some positive hair effects.

As I left Dr Evans, I had time to go to the Chrystal Cathedral- of Dr Robert Schuler’s Hour of Power fame. When I can I like to go there and meditate in the prayer room, under the church bells. Its very powerful. There is also a statue of Job on the grounds. I always go by and re-anchor my Faith. The story of Job is one of the most powerful stories of the of personal Faith. I had read Thomas Moore’s version just before I got my diagnosis back in Febuary. So much was going on- loss of work, future uncertainty. When I learned I had cancer it only made the story come more alive for me. The story inspired me to continue to look deep inside for Faith. As I stood in front of the statue last Tuesday, I was reflecting about Job. Like him I had gone through so much and how rich my Faith had become. The similarities in the story had been amazing. As I stood there, I thought back to having seen a small whirlwind circling about Stef and I as we stood on the grounds of the old stone Cathedral at Mission San Juan Capistrano. In Job, God appears as a gigantic whirlwind at the end of the story and impresses upon Job how magnificent He is… creator of the universe and more. In this, unseen Source of power and Love I too have my Faith. It was this Faith that healed St. Perigrine- the Catholic Saint of Cancer Healing who is honored at Mission San Juan.

Standing there in front of the statue of Job, I read the inscribed verse- “When He has freed me, I shall come forth as gold”. The moment I read the verse, I heard a hard metallic crash on the concrete below me. It was not gold dropping from me. My recently replaced Treo 600 had slipped out of its belt holster and slammed to the ground. My first thought was, its just fine, there is no way it would break here. After all it had been replaced for free under manufactures’ warranty. That had been a real blessing. I picked it up. The internal screen was cracked creating a beautiful multicolor abstract diagonal design, but leaving the upper ¼ of the screen functioning. The phone worked, I just could not see the screen fully. It was broken. My next thought was… “Oh God, you’re not done with testing me” (A totally twisted thought, from childhood misunderstandings about God’s Love.) I quickly recognized the thought and redirected it. “Oh God, you have more in mind for me than I can imagine. This is a problem, but it is not my entire life. I have the resources within me to handle this problem. All is truly well.”

So I calmly (and with some irritation of the pending hassle) turned and decided to take time for lunch in the Cathedral’s outside cafeteria. As I sat there, I kept thinking surely this can’t be broken. It will repair itself. (Magical thinking can be soothing.) I decided to take the long way home and go by Verizon Store and have the technician repair it. After all it was just the screen. (Denial can be a wonderful elixir… for the short term) I finished lunch, had a wonderful mediation in the prayer room and then drove off to Verizon. Where there was more waiting for me than I could imagine.

The technician said she could not repair it. I would have to file a claim. She called it in and handed me the receiver. The voice on the other end said, “I’m sorry sir, we no longer have that model in stock, will you be ok with the newest model? We’ll have it to you by tomorrow morning.” I was stunned. More than I could imagine. I asked- “So how much more will this cost?” expecting the worse. There was no additional cost, just the standard $50 deductible. In effect, I was getting a $300 phone for $50!. I immediately thought about the verse I had read- “When He has freed me, I shall come forth as gold”. I am sure the author was being metaphorical about our souls, but having a little material manifestation of gold is nothing to reject. “Ship it! And Thank YOU!” I exclaimed. Though my Treo 600 was destroyed, the outcome was miraculous and unimaginable.


Once again, I got a taste of how old doubts and fear can deflate our Faith. This time, I was able to take a breath and stay open at the top. I knew that I was secure in my Faith, but the doubts wanted to create a different story. Rev Sandy Moore, just last Sunday, had talked about how doubts can wedge themselves in between our Faith and fear. “We have to put feet on our Faith” she explained. She also recalled Martin Luther King’s statement- “The first step in Faith is to take the 1st step.” For me the 1st step was to recognize the unstable ground of habitual negative worry I could walk on and pull back and choose the stability of my Faith. It paid off. Dropping and breaking a phone is not a major catastrophe. But our minds can turn it into a stressful situation. How often do we let the circumstances of our lives interfere with who we really are in our life? There is suffering in life. We can’t ever really know why. But we can make a choice in how we respond to situations. We can learn to recognize the Truth and rest in that. Even in the most dramatic statement in Job is the Truth revealed- “Though He slay me, yet will I Trust in Him.” Job 13:15. Regardless of how you image “Him”, Trusting in something bigger than yourself is so key to balanced living. This is my belief and within that belief you’ll find the core of my Faith. So tragic was that first word of cancer, yet how rich I am now in my life. Just as the sun helps what we plant grow, Faith is something that we must tend and grow. As Mohandas Gandhi said, “Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into.”

or as Wordworth discovered one beautiful morning...

THE PRELUDE
BOOK FOURTH
SUMMER VACATION
William Wordsworth
Section 330

The morning rose, in memorable pomp,
Glorious as e'er I had beheld--in front,
The sea lay laughing at a distance; near,
The solid mountains shone, bright as the clouds,
Grain-tinctured, drenched in empyrean light;
And in the meadows and the lower grounds
Was all the sweetness of a common dawn--
Dews, vapours, and the melody of birds,
And labourers going forth to till the fields.
Ah! need I say, dear Friend! that to the brim
My heart was full; I made no vows, but vows
Were then made for me; bond unknown to me
Was given, that I should be, else sinning greatly,
A dedicated Spirit. On I walked
In thankful blessedness, which yet survives.

May you enjoy what your spring planting has yielded this fall with great abundance, prosperity and health. My Friends, may your "cup be filled to the brim"

Happy Fall Equinox 2006

Tuesday was a milestone… or perhaps a tubestone. My G-tube (feeding tube was removed.) We waited for over two weeks to get an appointment. I interpreted that the wait as an indication that the procedure was a very complicated surgery although minor. I was also told it would take 2 weeks to heal before I could get into the water to swim. The initial implanting of the tube had been quite painful and it took about a week for me to stand upright without pain. So, I figured PAIN would be part of the removal experience. What could be more obvious? After all, I have become quite sensitive at recognizing pain in doctor’s offices and hospitals.

Stef and I got to the hospital 45 minutes early. (I know some of you are thinking -- that in itself had to be painful- arriving early how did you pull that off?) The receptionist said “go have a seat, we’ll take you right in.”

I asked, “Right in, meaning- to have the procedure?”

“Yes, she replied, it really quite simple.”

Protection kicked in. Simple for you, I thought, you have become so calloused, seeing all the pain and suffering that comes with this procedure. I caught my judgement and remembered she and the rest of the staff are here to heal. Turning a negative into a positive requires a corrective procedure in itself. When the mind is caught in a single path, it becomes tubular- single focused. When in fear, I tend to forget there is more than one way to see a situation. Do you?

Of course the upside of the tube had been that I was able to consume food, while my mouth and throat were being so severely radiated. The Tube had become a part of me and I it. We were joined in the ultimate “fast food fix”. If in a rush, just inject 2500 calories and off I went. In less than 2 minutes, I had a full stomach. There was also the silliness. I had taken on a secret Super Hero identity- Tube Titan, Protector of the Innocent. But that is another story.

As Grace, the nurse, explained the procedure, I prepared myself physically for the pending PAIN. I laid back, pulled up my shirt and got as comfortable as I could. She says, “We’ll do it right here in the prep/recovery area. There is no local or need for the doctor.” Stef noticed, how perfect a name – Grace- for the event. However, I was in my emotional body.

There had to be a mistake. No local, no doctor and right there for all to hear my screams!!! She continued, “This will take about a minute.” I immediately envisioned, her pulling hard and abruptly- yanking the tube from its position. Then I heard her say, “I simply cut the tube, that deflates the balloon holding it in place and then I simply pull it out. You should not feel anything.”

I braced myself. My face pruned up and I held my breath. Stef held my hand. I watched Stef’s face for signals. She could see everything, although the tube insertion point was masked by the nurses hand. I closed my eyes. Then I head Stef move. Within seconds I see Stef’s face shift from anticipation to her radiant smile. It was over, I had felt nothing. In fact, I was still holding my breath braced, after the nurse stepped away.

BEFORE

AFTER

What a relief!

Then I thought… where had my Faith been in all that. Where had my own trust in safety gone. I had allowed fear to create as painful a picture as I could imagine. A picture that was totally inaccurate about my Real future. The only facts that had been given to me, I had interpreted as evidence of probable PAIN. Based on past memories, I had woven together a future scenario that was so off the track, that I had become lost in a total illusion. In my self-absorption with the “pending painful event” I failed to check-in. I knew that there were other facts that showed this would be simple. I just habitually chose the ones that matched my fear. How often am I doing that with other uncertain situations in my life?

Its an automatic survival reflex. At one point in evolution an active imagination gave our ancestors a jump on the lion or snake about to devour them. Yet, today, the jungle is different and we typically have time to get to choose how we interpret pending events and then how we act. The key is recognizing the free choice we have in any situation. That is easier said than done. After all, we have 500,000 years of evolution that helped to wire us. To fully exercise choice in fear and uncertainty, Faith is essential. We have to have a belief in something bigger than a future situation and bigger than our life circumstances in any given moment. So where does Faith come from? As humans we have evolved to a new point of awareness of Faith. I believe it is a major part of the the next evolutionary leap. THe ultimate Leap of Faith. Co-creating our True Reality.

As Ernest Holmes says, “In order to have faith, we must have a conviction that all is well.” (P159 Science of Mind) Rather than accept a positive possibility that the G-tube removal would be painless, I had totally bought into a mental illusion of future pain. Our Faith loses its vitality when we allow doubts and fear to weaken our trust, belief and acceptance in something larger than ourselves. Our sense of safety becomes totally focused on what we see or hear around us and we forget to check-inwardly for guidance. Through all this journey my understanding of Faith has deepened. I now know that having Faith is evidence of my belief, trust and acceptance in God- the Source of all that is, the One Universal Mind. It is ever present and flowing. Its up to me to choose to see life from a limited set of facts or to remember there is so much Goodness ever present.
How I choose to imagine a future experience is a choice.

When you finish this entry, please stop and ask yourself about what you are imagining in your future. Do you have conviction that ultimately all is well or are you caught in the ebb and flow of your imaginative tube like mind? Consider, what you feed into the tube can never accurately predict your Real future. Whether it is the past, facts or intuition. The Truth is that God, the Universe always has more to behold than you can imagine. Its how you hold Faith, comprehend the situation, connect with others and then creatively act from that awareness that really matters.

Thank you for taking time to read. Much Love to you.

Over the past few months, I’ve been wanting to share more about faith. Events have taken priority and my writing at a deeper level has been pushed back. The events were major and will shape me for years to come.

The journey that I am on has deepened my faith. It’s that simple. I am still recovering from the ordeal or radiation and chemotherapy. I have odd bouts with pain in my jaw and energy swings that leave me very fatigued. But, I continue to know that I am more than the negative thoughts and side effects. It is through surrender and tuning into the ambiguity of it all that I am reminded that there is One Spirit and in my union with that knowing I know I am safe and blessed.

Recently, I watched Pema Chodren on Bill Moyers Faith and Reason.
Bill Moyer's Transcripts She talked about the “groundlessness of 9/11” and how nothing but kindness made any sense those first few days and then we all seemed to settle back into the circumstances of our lives and old patterns of defend and attack settled back in. The “groundlessness” of my situation is what is most challenging. The first few weeks after surgery, I was estatic with accepting life and the miracle of what the doctors were able to achieve. During radiation and chemo, it was just about coping with discomfort and pain day to day. Now its about being patient with the long recovery and healing process and oh yeah waiting for final results from future CT/PET scans. The groundlessness of my circumstances have no daily activity nor is there an event for which to prepare. It is all becoming a mental juggling act and a physical dance with fatigue that constantly wants to cut in on the action.

We all have circumstances that our minds can’t just fix. The inability to find the grounded answer is a shock to our egos. Often, we retreat into avoidance, denial, or act out in our addictions. My friend Wil Smith talks about separating ones Life from Life Circumstances. In God’s mind our life circumstances are such small things. Its our Life that is precious. That is what we must come to know in the midst of experiencing groundlessness. The circumstances and situations we find ourselves in are just distractions for our mind. My faith is the means that I am using to clear the distance and blocks between my heart and my mind and in that come to know God/dess. The paradox is that I have to constantly go deeper into groundlessness to tap my faith. That means no little silver statues, religious dogma or new age knickknacks and “chatkes”.

At the bottom of this Blog is a poem by David Whyte that speaks to surrendering to the “carver’s hand” when facing life’s circumstances. The place he speaks of, Braga Monestary, is in the Annapura mountain range. It is in the Manang valley at an elevation of approximately 12,000 ft. It is Tibetan and very ancient and third world. David Whyte is one of my favorite contemporary poets. He writes this poem from his own Trek to the region and entry into the Monastery.

I know that there are thoughts that take me away from peace with my situation. They can be “terrible faces with fierce eyes demanding, “Will you step through?”’ I sometimes succumb to them and get caught in dysfunctional emotions. When fatigue or depression hit, I don’t "step through", instead I trip and defend my actions. Sometimes, my love Stef or others close to me get the after burn. Where is the kindness of love in those moments? My faith tells me it is still there, but my attachment to the negativity is the block. If I am fortunate I take a deep breath and I remind myself that God is Breath. In that short affirmation I allow the “carver’s hand to bring the deep grain of love to the surface.” There is always an opportunity to calm the fear and limitations that I may feel by refocusing my mind. That is why I find this poem so powerful. Especially this verse…


"When we fight with our failing
we ignore the entrance to the shrine itself
and wrestle with the guardian, fierce figure on the side
of good.

And as we fight
our eyes are hooded with grief
and our mouths are dry with pain."

Lately, I have had too much dry mouth and random pain. It is faith that is necessary to face the entrance to the shrine, to moisten the dryness and heal the pain. Without faith there is no entrance, just fear of what may be inside.

I attempt to meditate daily, although not always steady with my practice. In that practice I learn to stop fighting what is. What I have found is that the more I pray and meditate, the more I buffer the negative emotions that want to insert themselves into my experience and keep me from entering “the shrine”. It would be foolish to say I am distraction free. Just as it would be foolish to say I have reached Nirvana via the cancer trek. But I am finding faith is my path to being foolish. For to be a fool is to be groundless.

May you stop at the entrance to the ancient shrine between your heart and mind and contemplate your faith. May in that serenity you find the courage and peace to step into the entrance to groundlessness. And in doing so may you experience the only actions that really makes sense- loving Spirit completely and be kind to others. Have faith in the outcomes of these actions, they are the only ones that do not end in illusion. They bring the peace of the "silent carver's hand"


The Faces At Braga
By David Whyte- Where Many Rivers Meet


In monastery darkness
by the light of one flashlight
the old shrine room waits in silence.

While above the door
we see the terrible figure,
fierce eyes demanding, “Will you step through?”

In addition, the old monk leads us,
bent back nudging blackness
prayer beads in the hand that beacons.

We light the butter lamps
and bow, eyes blinking in the
pungent smoke, look up without a word.

see faces in meditation,
a hundred faces carved in above,
eye lines wrinkled in the hand held light.

Such love in solid wood!
Taken from the hillsides and carved in silence
they have the vibrant stillness of those who made them.

Engulfed by the past
they have been neglected, but through
smoke and darkness they are like the flowers

we have seen growing
through the dust of eroded slopes,
their slowly opening faces turned toward the mountain.

Carved in devotion
their eyes have softened through age
and their mouths curve through delight of the carver’s hand.

If only our own faces
would allow the invisible carver’s hand
to bring the deep grain of love to the surface.

If only we knew
as the carver knew, how the flaws
in the wood led his searching chisel to the very core,

we would smile too
and not need faces immobilized
by fear and the weight of things undone.

When we fight with our failing
we ignore the entrance to the shrine itself
and wrestle with the guardian, fierce figure on the side
of good.

And as we fight
our eyes are hooded with grief
and our mouths are dry with pain.

If only we could give ourselves
to the blows of the carver’s hands
the lines in our faces would be the trace lines of rivers

feeding the sea
where voices meet, praising the features
of the mountain and the cloud and the shy.

Our faces would fall away
until we, growing younger toward death
every day, would gather all our flaws in celebration

to merge with them perfectly,
impossibly, wedded to our essence,
full of silence from the carver’s hands.

Click THIS Text to Enlarge Photos and SlideShow of the Truth of Our Love.

“Love is calling me a little deeper than I’ve ever been before.” Jami Lula

Love for another is so life giving. Love of God is so life affirming. With you, Stef, I have experienced both of these truths as such a wonderful gifts. For in you I am constantly reminded of the power of relationship to another human being and the numinous experience of God. I am so blessed by your presence. The light of God/dess clearly shines forth from you. In my imagination I aspire to create and experience with you what Rumi prayed for… “The way the night knows itself with the moon. Be that with me.”

You have loved me for so long. Now in the most difficult time of my life, I have so much to be grateful for, rather than to tremble in fear. It’s a lot to do with you making the choice to love me deeper and embrace the fear. And in witnessing your transformation, I have grown deeper in my own life.

How is it that our love has grown thru all this? The only answer is that we both know the source of our affection is from the depths of God's heart. We also know that the experience we share is directly out of the thought choices we make, despite the pain and suffering of the body. Thank you so much for being courageous enough to be intimate in conversations that require truth. Thank you for being willing to face the challenge of financials, the view of the valley of death, the thorniness of relationship, and the ups and downs of intimacy. These have all been gifts to me and to us. In sorting out the whys, and what ifs of our new adventure, the only answer that is true is that WE ARE BLESSED. That is our sovereignty.

For four years, I was hesitant to fully accept your gift of love. Old tapes created the fear of loss. I reasoned that I could never match or meet your expectations. In that illusion was my own issue of unworthiness. Now in a time where unworthiness is a true block to healing, I am rediscovering the preciousness of the gift you offer. As I learn to receive, I am learning to open my heart and my mind to the true possibilities of life. I am now as certain as Keats when he said- “ I am certain of nothing, except the Holiness of the heart’s affections and the Truth of the imagination. What the imagination seizes as beauty must be truth - whether it existed before or not.” You are in both my heart and imagination. Our love is beautiful and the only path to our shared destiny. In that we are living our destiny now. I only ask that we learn to aspire to explore our love deeper and deeper and in doing so learn to share it. For in that will it grow even more.

As it says in the Course of Miracles…

W-pI.105.3. Accept God's peace and joy, and you will learn a different way of looking at a gift. 4 God's gifts will never lessen when they are given away. 5 They but increase thereby.
W-pI.105.4. As Heaven's peace and joy intensify when you accept them as God's gift to you, so does the joy of your Creator grow when you accept His joy and peace as yours. 2 True giving is creation. 3 It extends the limitless to the unlimited, eternity to timelessness, and love unto itself. 4 It adds to all that is complete already, not in simple terms of adding more, for that implies that it was less before. 5 It adds by letting what cannot contain itself fulfill its aim of giving everything it has away, securing it forever for itself.

I LOVE YOU, Stephanie Swink. Thank for your divine Presence on this Journey.

God's Peaceful Presence

Even when we experience loss, suffering or pain, God's presence is always available. As we see the chaos unfolding in the Middle East, terror fills our minds. Yet, in our hearts is the key to Peace. The new Pirates of the Caribbean Movie is centered on the tragedy of Davy Jones' Dead Man's Chest. The legend is that he locked his heart inside out of pain of a loss of love. To unlock the chest of terror that we can so easily bury our hearts within, we must refocus our thoughts.

The uncertainty of what might happen next creates emotional separation. Alone, we can experience both a dread of fear and the hope of Peace. We choose how to hold the outcome by practicing and being an expression of what is positive and divine in our own relationships. Yet, emotional blocks, take us down the more painful paths. Removing the blocks to Love, requires Forgiveness.

Have you forgiven anyone lately? What is holding you back. How can you hope for peace in the Middle East as long as you keep your heart locked in a chest. Forgiveness is the key. Turn the key and allow Love to unfold, today. It will affect the Middle East, as ultimately, we are all One. ... See my Tabblo>