North's Journey Journal

An Update: Yesterday was a new milestone in our journey. We got the PET and CT Scans results. It wasn’t what we were expecting. The disease has dispersed. Meaning it is now in a various locations including my lungs, liver, abdomen, and on the bone in my lower back. There were microscopic nodes in my lungs before we started treatment in May. So, there was the possibility of them still being present. We just were not expecting more. The spots on my lungs have grown and some are new. I am in no discomfort, except from a sore back from a few bad beds and a nasty bump I took while boogie boarding. I’ve been active- not in vigorous exercise, but able to play in waves, do some light hikes and short walks. My hair has come back darker and thicker. My weight has stayed stable. So given my state of overall vitality, this news was very much a surprise.

What this means medically is that I have a serious disease that is systemic. The treatment process is chemotherapy and probably for many months. I start on Tuesday of next week. The doctors are still working out which Chemo Cocktail and for how long. Many people that face this are often older and frailer. Their quality of life becomes a major issue. For me I am young and I have strength. I should be able to endure the Chemo. Its more a question of what and how long before the disease responds. Plus, there are new treatments coming out everyday. I will also be starting an even more dedicated wholistic life style. Yoga, more vegetarian based diet, and meditating and praying throughout the day.

What this means in terms of our lives: Stef and I are swinging on an emotional bridge right now. Stunned, in disbelief, sad, and scared. As Stef put it feels like we got suckered punch in the stomach. Future plans for work and personal interests are back on hold again. We don’t have enough information, yet.

As we entered the doctor’s office yesterday, we found ourselves singing- That’s Alright Mama, by Elvis Presely. (His first recoding with Sun in 1954- the year I was born) We were just being silly. Its interesting that being silly at one time meant you were blessed. The song was comforting. But as I sat there hearing the news from my Head and Neck Surgeon, a 1,000 thoughts and questions erupted. There was no singing to the news. I tried to remain calm, but inside I felt like a carbonated beverage bottle all shook up. He is a man of clarity and unique compassion. I asked him for statistics- his primary answer was that there were way too many variables to make a prediction. What he was saying is that Life is always contingent. That is we can never be certain of what we may be dealt. But Stef and I believe we can be certain of how we react and choose to live. As Dr Armstrong’s nurse Cheryl put it there are two paths— Focus on the Disease Process or the Treatment Process. For the present moment we are staying focused on the Treatment Process and holding the vision of perfect medications, right living and total healing.

We spent yesterday afternoon trying to digest the information. Then we had to call family and friends. When it was all done we took Barnie for a nice long walk along with Craig our guardian landlord. As we headed out I found myself singing my Elvis impression of “That’s Alright Mama.” I was feeling blessed in the company of Love.

To focus on the disease process, is to focus on the darker aspects of this journey. Yes, there is evidence of a tragic disease having free range in my body. We will not deny that. But, there is so much more to who I am. There is so much more to who we all are. I have an awareness of my thoughts, my emotions, and my spirit. Those are not physical molecules. They are not limited by the results of the scans. The degree that I can keep my mental, emotional and spiritual awareness focused on what is in right here and right now is directly related to my ability to heal. If I were to fall into the traps of “ain’t it awful”; “who am I”; “what’s the point”; what if-ing and so on, I’d be betraying all that I believe about existence and life. As Stef put it before we got the results- we have to keep our “allowance portal open”. By that she meant we have to know that no matter what there are possibilities of the highest good regardless of the circumstances we face. And that is where community, Faith in God and Hope step in. Turning the fear over to a Higher Source is the key.

Many years ago, Stef helped me come to terms with a worldview that had confused me for a long time. She helped me see that Light can always be turned on in the darkness. Just like a light in a dark closest. But darkness can’t really negatively impact light. We can always find the door by looking for the cracks of light around the edges. Throughout last night, there were moments where it felt like this disease has taken control of my life. We couldn’t find the light or the door. But I have to work on my perceptions to keep from slipping into the negative illusion that what we fear is more powerful than what we Love. I have to remember, there is always a “crack in everything” that is how the light always gets in”. So as Stef, Zach and I and our families face the darkness of this news, we know that prayer, community and Love are with us. We know that the perfection of God’s Peace and Love is in all things and that is the source of our strength.

Yes, I am scarred. Yes, I am concerned about how this will affect those that I Love- Stef, Zach, family, friends. But, I also know that I can fight this and there is so much more light that can come into this situation. So if you see me walking around singing “That’s Alright Mama” with a big ole crack in me, know that it’s the way the light is getting in. Recognize that I am just keeping my “allowance portal” open for unseen positive possibilities.

Thank you for all your prayers and Love. They are making the difference in this journey of healing.