North's Journey Journal

Hi,

I have been so caught in the whirlwind of more doctor appointments and getting ready for radiation a and chemo, that I simply have not had the time or focus to write. I will have a port and a feeding tube put in on Friday. Its about a 2 hour surgery. Then, hopefully I'll start treatment next Tuesday or Wed. I say hopefully, because I know this will be the next miraculous step of my journey. The radiation and and chemotherapy will work at the quantum level to remove the cancer from my body. Rather than think of all the awful side-effects we hear about, Stef and I have decided to shift our perception to the wonders of these drugs and forces. It is because of these that I will increase my chances of extending my life and being able to experience and give more Love. This does not mean we are in denial of the potential pain and discomfort. Yet, we also believe that our thought create our reality. How I choose to walk into this next stage is not in fear, but in wonder. I know that God/dess's Will is present in all this and in that I know there is Peace and Beauty. Given the Grace that I received during and after surgery, I have all the proof I need that I am safe and well.

Have you ever noticed there is no there there? Our expectations are so often illusions. We so quickly base our circumstances on how we perceive things, yet the totally of the Truth is not so evident. That is why recognizing the One True Will in our lives is so important. "There" is the instant and place where we place our focus. Sure, its dark in the basement of our lives, but is darkness all that is there? The key is how we sharpen our focus, as we move from bright happy circumstances into darker and more foreboding ones. Life is a journey through uncertainty. Disappointment and pain are not fun, but it that what we want to hold onto? I for one do not believe that God/dess intentionally "Wills" any of us to stumble and stay in "sin", darkness and fear. That is an old belief that must be removed from our consciousness. It is the cancer that is no longer needed. I found this quote on another blog platform (redtoenails.org) they are totally dedicated to cancer patients. One of them posted this. George Bernard Shaw once wrote a comment for one of his plays: "People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don'’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can'’t find them, make them."

Everyday is a little better, but every day comes with its own set of new circumstances. The one constant is that my swelling continues to go down and I have remained 160 lbs. (The healing and activity seem to burn off the calories, so gaining weight is a real issue) The challenge I have is adjusting to my current level of energy as a whole new way of being and still getting all the necessary stuff done. That is making the circumstances I want. It does not get done by me anymore and accepting that has been difficult. I can't make the circumstance change the way I used to. no energy, but people around me are doing it for me. In that I am learning to surrender to the Peace of God within and watching manifestation of that Peace through the Love of friends and family. The more I surrender and release, the more seems to show up. And in that I am so fortunate.

We keep receiving cards, and well wishes. I am deeply moved by every gift and thought. Over the past week these have made a huge difference. They do lift me up. The miracle has been people who care and give so freely of their time and energy. Energy that I do not have. My energy comes in spurts, so I am not totally limited. Just very uncertain of what I can do. So, when others have stepped in, it feels like a blood transfusion. The trick for me is to relax and accept it. I am so grateful for all. At the risk of leaving someone out, I want to recognize a few that given so much and asked for nothing in return- This morning I am so grateful for Stef, my Mom, Bruce Snyder. And to no lesser degree for Craig B., and Kathy S. and Mel G. Tom B., Will S., Lawrence and Fran, and Patricia and Rick and Nikola C. And in the past week there have been generous donations that have lightened our concerns about the short term future. Others, like Will S. and my cousin Dan or Zach's Mom- Susan have been available to hear my concerns, confusion and hopes and dreams. I so appreciate your time and your visits. Because of all these efforts I am having a sense of new normalcy emerge. Stef continues to love me unconditionally, although she gets the brunt of the my emotional swings and craziness of endless appointments and physical limitations. My Mom worked tirelessly for three weeks after I got home, cooking, cleaning, and responding to needs before I could say a word. It was so wonderful to share quite time with her, feeling sharing our mother/son connection. Bruce Snyder has been a taxi, scheduler, communication pipeline, food bringer, errand fetcher. He simply chose to volunteer out of Love, and I am so humbled by his unselfish giving. Our landlord, Craig, has simply been a guardian angel... there is more to say, but that phrase says it all. Tom B. has made arrangements for nutritional raw food meals, that I started last night- they are awesome! Then yesterday Patricia and Rick showed up with tons for oranges and avocados from their farm and a check from their on-line fund raiser promoting the book that Stef contributed her beautiful writing to. Then shortly after their departure Nikola showed up with a wonderful CD (Tortoise Chinese God of the North), homemade nutritional beverages and some spontaneous guidance about belief management. It was perfect. And finally Kathy and Mel have consistently checked in, always with fruit from their trees, flowers or just bright smiles to brighten our days. Kathy is helping Bruce with the scheduling.

On the home front, last week Zach had to have his four wisdom teeth pulled. It was too weird seeing him sitting in the same chair with the same oral surgeon- Dr Anderson that pulled my wisdom tooth- which started this journey. Zach went through it like a champion he is. Here is a picture of the two of us comparing our swollen cheeks. He added the patch for fun. And then Mom had to join in too.

As a result of the extractions, he sadly missed the Orange County Track and Field Championships and yesterday was not able to compete fully in his final dual High School meet. He too is having to make something out of circumstances that were unpleasant. He still gets to compete in the League Finals and he has half of the USTF season still to go. But High School sports are so important and he really wanted to savor one last run around the track. (His relay team for the 4X100 was disqualified, because the coach made a last minute decision to put a first time runner on the first leg. Zach was waiting in the third leg, but sadly the new kid on the first leg failed in the hand-off, their race stopped. Clearly, it was a lot of pressure on the new kid, I pray that he bounces out of any embarrassment of guilt) Of course I was angry at the coach for Zach's loss. Zach was not, Instead, Zach saw it as an unfortunate situation, was disappointed, but was able to shrug it off and not get caught in anger. I was so proud him. It was living Shaw's words, I was not. He became my teacher in that moment.

There is a new web/blog site being created by Bruce that should be up and running soon. Stef wants to start her own blog journal, there are various announcements and I want to start finding ways to give back by sharing information about the treatment side of my experience. So we decided to create one site for all communication that should be happening soon. The Blogs will continue, just be nested in a place where more information can be easily posted and various links can be quickly found.

I have a lot more I want to share, but this is enough for now.

As always, thanks so much for reading this.

Much Love and Life,

North