North's Journey Journal

We're into our 3rd or 4th week of the new birth. That is 2/21 is now my new birthday as they say in cancer circles. It was the day we got the biopsy report back. Since then, our lives have been totally thrown into the spin cycle. We are finally getting around to normal stuff, like using land lines and not cell phones 24/7; sorting through bills, clearing off the mounds of mail and having a bite to eat in front of the tube. I am now a full-blown, fresh juice, veggie, and health eater. Thanks to several that got my diet redirected!

I was blessed today and the past two days by several Earth Angels. Support arrived in the form of donations, house cleaning, and office organizing by Nancy McGivney of (http://www.gettingthingsdone4u.com/profile.html).

Even Verizon was able to credit our huge February bill and pro-rate our plan this month. Saved us about $200. We are trying to find a way to acknowledge those that give. We have a list started. Of course several want to remain anonymous and we will respect that. We both are just remaining so busy as we get ready for the surgery and post op recovery. We are trying to make life smoother and easier during that time.

As we evolve into this new life, we are hearing that others are hesitant to post thoughts. It’s given me pause. I experienced the hesitation by going to another site, berman.redtoenail.org - he is a cancer survivor featured last Sunday on CNN. I had some real hesitation about posting a comment myself. I wanted to say just the right thing, I did not want to sound cliché or in any way misspeak. He is faced with a very challenging situation. I'd wanted to convey all that I feel in just a few lines. I finally found the words and wrote. But it took some focus. The writing became the king of my expression and not the feeling I wanted to convey and connect with.

So, you may care to do the comment and email or some offer of support is more your style. We welcome any form of communication or expression. All forms of expression of support are such positive lifts for us. They keep me from slipping into negative thoughts of separation and struggle. And I love to see Stef smiling after see reads them. I think for me the communication and support is evidence of an individual finding his or her way to overcome the shock of the situation and then finding a way to express love by simply listening to their own heart and not what others do or think.

The pain is starting to become more intense in the evenings in the upper mouth. And my throat is sore from the swollen lymph node. My vital signs are all still showing positive and for the most part. I feel ok, just much more aware of my body than I have ever been. Awareness of my body is making me so much more cognizant of how a circumstance can take over our lives. I find myself thinking several times throughout the day about the people in our Armed forces that have been wounded and changed. It’s a tragedy that so many are wounded. Its not recognized in the death counts that about 25,000 are hurt and have been made lame from the war. How many Americans are standing up for them? For the resilient, their lives go on. I wonder, do they ever return to a sense of "normal"?

I spent the last two nights at Rancho Corazon (Ranch of the Heart). I think that is the spelling, I know Heart is the meaning. Often when we see things in the world we are conviced that they are real. Like the spelling of a word. But the meaning behind the word is the only Truth.

The Truth I have tossed around this weekend is "what is real and who decides/" The medical world, the psychological, philosophical, religious and phsyological worlds all have their own meanings. I have been caught with the nagging uncertatinty of how much do I surrender and what if I don't and to what thought.

What I came to the conclusion is that if I have to choose between anyone of them I would choose with God/dess in union. For me it is in the awareness that there is something far greater than my intellect. And far greater than my fear or doubt. It takes only a matter of seconds, in fear or doubt to know that we can choose to a higher source of safety and security. God/dess is in everything around us and in us. Today, I am holding that truth as real. To call upon God/dess and to feel, see, taste, hear, and touch the world is the proof that behind all that we sense is a common vibration that we all feel and know. For me therein lies the Truth, and my source of strength.

Much Love,

North