Monday, July 10, 2006
More Than This
Stef's most recent Blog entry says a lot about what we have been up to, facing and living. Its hard to believe that its been a month since I wrote. The experience was a bit much. I am feeling and becoming stronger every day. It is a slow but steady climb back up.
I was not prepared for the intensity of the C&R treatments and the resulting confrontation with faith and suffering. The Doctors, Nurses and Technicians were all there and so caring and supportive, yet the one-two punch from the healing treatments left me so weak and depleted that I believe I must have experienced what the brink of death may be like. The loss of energy and vitality was real. One day, I simply laid in bed all morning, realizing my energy was depleted. An ebb in my life force had occurred. The biggest side effect was coming face to face with a core question- what is my faith?
Stef and my situation is real and has its own power. There is a mystery at work here that has both a negative and a positive cloak. The question I had to resolve as I laid there was what is beyond this? God/Goddess/Tao/Holy Spirit… All are great words and concepts, but what do I hang my hat on. I can imagine positive outcomes, but what is supporting and fueling the possibilities of healthy, positive, safe and abundant life? I can hang a wonderful image on the wall to inspire me. But what is the unseen nail in the wall that secures the image so it pulls me forward with certainty?
We don’t know what the future holds. None of us do. But we have the freedm of choice in how we think and act. Its my choice now- I get to choose. I choose -- that who I am is more than just this situation. So why worry about what might happen? The mind seeks proof or evidence. When its not there, the mind plays our imaginative scenarios. What a waste of life that can become if they are constantly negative. Stef and I have decided to seek the positive side of the mystery, while recognizing there are difficult possibilities. This is not denial; it is looking truth in the face. The evidence is just as good right now that I am free of the cancer. We’d like to think that the medical team, while not as open about future prognosis is just as focused on positive. Yet, they need the evidence of another test so they know how to proceed.
In those first few days after treatment, I was totally surrendered. I needed the evidence of my Faith. I had to have Faith that my life energy would come back. When and how it would return was a matter of Faith in three sources of evidence: Stef and my relationship deepening. My doctors' and nurses' words..."the effects will linger for about 10 days after your final treatment." And it was matter of faith in seeing life in nature continue on around me, as I looked out into our small canyon behind our home. Seeing it reminded me life is persistent and eternal.
What is evidence of that which is unseeable and unspeakable? Again what is the nail on which to suspend our hopes and dreams? My answer… I know I am more than this situation and I can choose what I see and how I frame it. This is not about denial, what Stef and I are learning is about being alive right now, knowing we are so much more than This situation. Knowing that ultimately we are safe and loved.
As predicted, 10 days after the final treatment, my vitality started coming back... slowly. As it came back, I realized I had taken vitality for granted all my life. With its first hint of return I felt a sense of magic. Bigger than life magic. More than the energy, there was something more. It was more than any spoken word or human thought. The energy helped me animate my body more, but this sweet force animated my essence and stimulated my outlook, my love for Stef, Zach and family, my hopes, and my faith. Over the next few entries I will go into more depth about what I experienced and what I am learning about Faith. It truly is the "substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen." (E. Holmes)
What is the nature of your faith on which you hang your vision? Sure, you can praise it in church or when praying to win the lottery, but what is it when your life or your child or something from your heart’s heart is at risk? Please take a few minutes sometime today (don't wait there is only the NOW) and take a walk outside in nature, connect with a spouse or a friend, or simply take a deep breath and stretch. Notice your energy. In each of these you will find the surface level of your vitality. It connects us all to a central common hub of being alive. If you take a moment longer notice something beyond that physical sensation, notice the spark of something more. Notice the essence of the connection and relax into the possibility that in that repose is the eternally divine. In that is the true evidence of your Faith.
I was not prepared for the intensity of the C&R treatments and the resulting confrontation with faith and suffering. The Doctors, Nurses and Technicians were all there and so caring and supportive, yet the one-two punch from the healing treatments left me so weak and depleted that I believe I must have experienced what the brink of death may be like. The loss of energy and vitality was real. One day, I simply laid in bed all morning, realizing my energy was depleted. An ebb in my life force had occurred. The biggest side effect was coming face to face with a core question- what is my faith?
Stef and my situation is real and has its own power. There is a mystery at work here that has both a negative and a positive cloak. The question I had to resolve as I laid there was what is beyond this? God/Goddess/Tao/Holy Spirit… All are great words and concepts, but what do I hang my hat on. I can imagine positive outcomes, but what is supporting and fueling the possibilities of healthy, positive, safe and abundant life? I can hang a wonderful image on the wall to inspire me. But what is the unseen nail in the wall that secures the image so it pulls me forward with certainty?
We don’t know what the future holds. None of us do. But we have the freedm of choice in how we think and act. Its my choice now- I get to choose. I choose -- that who I am is more than just this situation. So why worry about what might happen? The mind seeks proof or evidence. When its not there, the mind plays our imaginative scenarios. What a waste of life that can become if they are constantly negative. Stef and I have decided to seek the positive side of the mystery, while recognizing there are difficult possibilities. This is not denial; it is looking truth in the face. The evidence is just as good right now that I am free of the cancer. We’d like to think that the medical team, while not as open about future prognosis is just as focused on positive. Yet, they need the evidence of another test so they know how to proceed.
In those first few days after treatment, I was totally surrendered. I needed the evidence of my Faith. I had to have Faith that my life energy would come back. When and how it would return was a matter of Faith in three sources of evidence: Stef and my relationship deepening. My doctors' and nurses' words..."the effects will linger for about 10 days after your final treatment." And it was matter of faith in seeing life in nature continue on around me, as I looked out into our small canyon behind our home. Seeing it reminded me life is persistent and eternal.
What is evidence of that which is unseeable and unspeakable? Again what is the nail on which to suspend our hopes and dreams? My answer… I know I am more than this situation and I can choose what I see and how I frame it. This is not about denial, what Stef and I are learning is about being alive right now, knowing we are so much more than This situation. Knowing that ultimately we are safe and loved.
As predicted, 10 days after the final treatment, my vitality started coming back... slowly. As it came back, I realized I had taken vitality for granted all my life. With its first hint of return I felt a sense of magic. Bigger than life magic. More than the energy, there was something more. It was more than any spoken word or human thought. The energy helped me animate my body more, but this sweet force animated my essence and stimulated my outlook, my love for Stef, Zach and family, my hopes, and my faith. Over the next few entries I will go into more depth about what I experienced and what I am learning about Faith. It truly is the "substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen." (E. Holmes)
What is the nature of your faith on which you hang your vision? Sure, you can praise it in church or when praying to win the lottery, but what is it when your life or your child or something from your heart’s heart is at risk? Please take a few minutes sometime today (don't wait there is only the NOW) and take a walk outside in nature, connect with a spouse or a friend, or simply take a deep breath and stretch. Notice your energy. In each of these you will find the surface level of your vitality. It connects us all to a central common hub of being alive. If you take a moment longer notice something beyond that physical sensation, notice the spark of something more. Notice the essence of the connection and relax into the possibility that in that repose is the eternally divine. In that is the true evidence of your Faith.
