North's Journey Journal

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

by Leonard Cohen

Hi Y'all

This morning I am going to the hospital for surgery. I am calm and relaxed. This is possible because of all the prayers, letters, emails, cards and Love that has been extended. We held four group meetings this past week at our home. One was with my men's group- Dark Fish Men's Council. Others were with wonderful friends that came to sit in prayer with us. Plus, my wonderful cousin Dan Morrison, came to help us smooth out the rough edges and get us through the last few days of trivial, yet newcessry paperwork and logistics. He brought with him his perpetual good humor and steadfast confidence. What a blessing.

With the help of wonderful doctors and body therapists, I am totally confident and ready for today. What I ask that you do is to read the Twenty Third Psalm or listen to the link to the left. There was a way we held prayer the last two nights that was very powerful and healing. We simply held hands and let the person know to our right how "wonderous" they were. I truly believe we are wonderous. That any illness is a separation from that truth. And that when we join together in prayer it is not about filling a lack, but an affirmation of wonder and awe of how miraculous we truly are. I believe this is true for shifting war, proverty, the bird flu or any other aspect of separation we may experince. For me its about how the light gets in. When we conciously choose to let the light in, miracles of our unity can move mountains. For me today, I will be shifting a small thing in God's eyes called cancer. Your Love and Prayers have been and will continue to be my strength.

Thank Each of You for all Your Love. Please let someone close to you know how much you love them and how wonderous they are today.

Much Love,

North

The hills, mountains, and valleys of this journey are each blessings. Even the fear, the pain, the loss, the clarity and the revelations are each opportunities to remember that I am not alone. That I have a choice in how I feel and how I see the situation. These two poems sum it all up. I first read this the day I was offered a new job and the same day we got the biopsy report. My new pilgramage started one month ago today- 2/21/06. You can find more on http://www.panhala.net/


On Pilgrimage

May the smell of thyme and lavender accompany us on our journey
To a province that does not know how lucky it is
For it was, among all the hidden corners of the earth,
The only one chosen and visited.

We tended toward the Place but no signs led there.
Till it revealed itself in a pastoral valley
Between mountains that look older than memory,
By a narrow river humming at the grotto.

May the taste of wine and roast meat stay with us
As it did when we used to feast in the clearings,
Searching, not finding, gathering rumors,
Always comforted by the brightness of the day.

May the gentle mountains and the bells of the flocks
Remind us of everything we have lost,
For we have seen on our way and fallen in love
With the world that will pass in a twinkling.

~ Czeslaw Milosz ~
(New & Collected Poems, translations by Czeslaw Milosz and Robert Hass)


As long as the Earth can make a spring every year,
I Can.
As long as the Earth can flower and produce nurturing fruit,
I Can.
Because, I'm the Earth.
I won't give up until the Earth gives up.

Alice Walker, The Color Purple

Much Love,

North

Today is a shoreline for acceptance. Today, I feel I am finding peace deeper in the uncertainty and mix of all the needs that have washed uo on my shore. One that I share with Stef and Zach. Peace in the certainty that everything is going to be safe and perfect. The deepness comes from this past week, which was a focus on the mundane tasks- necessary, but stirring up lots of negative emotions from fears of "what if". Worry from wht was not done, needing to be done and then capped off with pre-op meetings with the surgeons. Thank God, for my friends and the Dark Fish Men's Council. Helping friends came to our house this week to pray, drum, hold space, converse, inquire and share love. Then last night Zach came to spend the weekend. His energy was so wonderful to experience. He is showing both love and courage. He's still growing into manhood, and learning, but at the core he is a Joy in my life. He is so wonderful just the way he is. The amazing thing is that I have said that since he was born. As a result, I am in a place of feeling how grateful I am for all the blessings in my life. This thought fuels my focus for the upcoming week.

This process unfolds with a sense of urgency and overwhelm. All the things that I knew I needed to have taken care of suddenly became immediate. Insurance, wills, office matters, bills, coming medical bills, sources of income. All the stuff I did in my spare time became front stage in the first part of the week. Then Friday we met with Dr. Armstrong and Dr. Evans. They are excellent surgeons. I am so fortunate. Yet, they had to take us through all the "what ifs" This is the legal necessity of our times, plus, the need to set the stage for uncertainty that is part of surgery. Yet the procedure itself is a testament to modern science and technology. Stef and I came home exhausted. We once again decided to take a "vacation" and went out for early dinner and to be "normal". Once again, we experienced "signs and wonders" as we were comforted by music and strangers in ways that were simply divine.

Now my focus is holding the potential wonders of a perfect surgery and perfect recovery and healing. The surgery is 10 hours. I will be in ICU for 2-4 days and out of the hospital in about 6-8 days. I am intending that the cancer will be removed with the least amount of complications. I totally trust the surgeons their team. The right side of my face is becoming a "sacred space" in my meditation- one of forgiveness and a communion. The shift is moving from attack to acceptance and total healing. The pain is a constant reminder that their is danger here, but in that I am learning that I can influence that in how I use it for an opportunity for deeper communion with spirit.

The unity of that energy is very tangible in my daily vitality. I feel the power of prayer and positive thoughts. I continue to be grateful for all your prayers and support. I am also starting to appreciate humor and laughter as an essential ingredient to this path. Its the nutrition of the soul. Just as I have totally shifted my diet to a more fruit and vegetable diet, I am seeking more laughter and positive imagery. All of this is stimulating my physical well being. It is a very visceral feeling.