North's Journey Journal

Over the past month, Stef and I have been so blessed by the spontaneous sharing of time, talent and money. The old adage- “to give is to receive” is taking on many aspects for us. It is also seeming to be a lesson for us in the reverse “to receive is to give”. I’d like to share some thoughts about what these mean to me.

As you know, our income flow has been reduced dramatically, because I am unable to work. There was a slow down in temporary project work in the first quarter and because of the gradual emergence of the cancer in December, January and February, I was not able to attract extra income as I had in the fall. Looking forward it is going to be about 8 months before I am 100%. Right now, we are ok, but as the Journey unfolds, we may become more dependent on gifts. This is not an intention, but is simply the state we are in. I plan to start creating some alternative sources, but that is all speculative. Plus, I hope to collect some disability in the short term. There are also fundraising activities being discussed. So, for now we are dependent on Stef’s income and whatever donations are offered. So far, I have had complete faith and peace of mind that the basics will be paid. And because of outpouring of love for Stef and I, we have been given enough to catch up on some of the basics. To receive the financial support, has been humbling. These gifts $20 to $1,000s have each touched my heart. I have shed a tear of gratitude and deepest appreciation for each. In that place, I am learning that there is no separation. That God will always provide. It is simply the most humbling experience I have ever had.

Sharing this is difficult, but I feel being open is part of the requirement of this path. I do not feel like a victim. I do know that a powerful force called cancer has touched me and it has turned my life into a whole new experience. I actually am thinking that the word survival even implies a sense of separation and victimization that I don’t really feel. I simply feel that I have encountered a force that is leaving an imprint that I must accept. Of course, from the medical perspective, this force is still present in microscopic ways in my body. It’s left a gift that will keep on giving unless; I take steps to make my physical body inhospitable to it. And that means Chemo and Radiation. That treatment will neutralize any remaining micro nest or “Rare” cells that are roaming about within me. I also plan to continue and enhance a regime of wholistic living. I already pray, meditate, and read spiritual material every morning. I now plan to add yoga and evening meditation time to my schedule. Nutrition will be a major new component of my daily life. Already, I have learned a lot about what foods, how to prepare them and when to eat them. My Mom has helped so much over the past week in spooning out new concoctions. This in itself is a gift, as she has sooo many wonderful Southern recipes that I would rather be eating, but she is making sure I’m getting anti-cancer food first. So, the cancer itself has become a powerful gift, for I am opening my life to receive a whole new way of being.

According to the Course of Miracles, “to Give is to Receive”, means that in the giving we experience and receive God. It is not the utility of the item or service we give that has the most lasting impact, it is the nature of the action itself. This does not mean that if we keep giving, we eventually reach a quota that will assure us an “E” ticket to heaven. It means that in the giving we are no longer in separation, that we are opening ourselves to heaven as we give. The Course also says we cannot give that which we do not have. Again, it is not the item or service, the gift is our natural light that shines from who we truly are as we give. In that, I believe can be found Heaven on Earth.

The real question is --- what compels us to want to give? Is it for self or for something else? And for me what compels me to be uncomfortable about receiving. Is it about my honor, pride or something else? One of the sweetest gifts I have received was from Stef’s 4yr old nephew Jackson. One night, before my surgery, he made a prayer just for me. As he was getting ready to go to bed, he folded his little hands and asked that God watch over me. What compelled him into such an action? His mother insists it was totally unprovoked by her. Yet, within him, he felt an urge to reach out to that which connects he and I and invoke a master healing prayer. Asserting Faith, Compassion and Presence in a few simple lines. I know in that moment Jackson, experienced Heaven. For him it was a totally natural, non-complicated act. In his innocence, he gave us all a model of how simple it is to give. He simply let his light shine brightly for himself and another. I am just as humbled by that beautiful child’s action and words as by any other gift we have received. As I recall that gift, I tear up and feel the love of God/dess expressed in the divine Grace. In that moment, he also gave me a deeper understanding of how natural it is to receive as well. To receive his prayer is to affirm, acknowledge and accept who he is in his bright light. There is nothing but Truth and Peace present in who he is in that prayer. In both the giving and the receiving is surrender--- release of all ego needs, past perceptions and the opportunity to return to the common root of all things in the present moment. In that place is Love given and received forever.

Thank you for your gift of reading this.

With Much Love and Life,

North

(Words that played in the background as we got the diagnosis on 2/21/06)
“Think about, think about how many times I have fallen.
Spirits are using me larger voices callin’.
What heaven brought you & me… cannot be forgotten.”

Stephen Stills, Richard Curtis and Michael Curtis

Over the past week I have been thinking a lot about friendship and how many times I have fallen. Before the diagnoses, I had realized how little I had nurtured my friendships. Worklife had been the priority. I also had some false limiting beliefs about worthiness. Those enabled me to justify staying focused on the “mouse wheel” and less on the heart.

Yet, as I face this foe, called cancer, I am being given a table of abundance of friendship that has miraculously appeared. The outpouring of love and support from current friends, old friends and complete strangers is overwhelming. Larger voices are callin’.

My normal response to social engagements and calls from friends is that I love to talk and dominate the conversation. After coming home, I have discovered that is no longer an option. I cannot talk, as it inflames my new “flap”­ ‑- a large part of my abominable muscle that is now in my right side of my mouth and old sinus area. It feels like about the size of a tennis ball to a small grapefruit. Talking too much causes it to swell, making other necessary functions strained. Therefore, I am learning to listen, be patient and let the other person shine.

While in the hospital, I concluded I had at least one aspect of healing that I had going for me. Prior to the operation, I had fully accepted the removal of all cancer tissue including my eye. It was a personal choice, but I got there by the support of friends. (If you did body work on me or saw me or we talked prior to the operation or you sent me an email or voice mail- you had a real impact) By the day of the operation, it was not about resistance as much as acceptance. In post-op, the nurses told me that others that come in are hard to please because they are so angry and distressed. I am having moments of frustration and loss, but they are only moments, thank God. By being available for nurses to care, I received incredible care. Nevertheless, I had to be available first. I had to be past the anger and denial. Several nurses became friends.

I now have a new aspect of healing that I am learning to embrace… friendship. This is new for me. We are getting cards, letters, and donations from places I don’t even know. I would have succumbed to cancer, to not see that a new world is emerging for Stef and I. The arrival of friendship in so many ways is somewhat foreign to me, yet one that my soul hungers for. What I want is to experience the brightness of others, and not so much the fulfillment of loneliness. I want to feel others growing out of the experience, not sacrificing. That seems to be happening. Please comment if you have a specific example of how my journey has raised the quality of your friendships. I would love to know about it.

So what is the nature of friendship? I turned to Emerson. And I reflected on myself. In the past I have tended to make my friendships like the “texture of wine and dreams and not the tough fiber of the heart.” The former was a way to turn friendship into events, an occasional call and stimulating intellectual conversations. The tough fiber of the heart is a bit more demanding. Emerson says it means to show our full face, eye and depth of our soul. It is not showing just our side or our back. However, and even more importantly it means to look for and be naturally energized by the potential of a visit, of trust of support and the silence in the shared moments of two souls becoming one. There is inspiration in that opening. Something occurs between two friend and even in community when the true spirit of the place of friendship is allowed to speak.

Emerson says there are two essential ingredients for friendships: Truth and Tenderness. Society has given us images of all forms of friendship- most tied to small pleasures, gifts, and loans. Emerson boldly says these are “commoditization of love”. Trust and Tenderness are movements of the soul. The actual experience of friendship is friendship. He says friendship is actively inspired by chants of Apollo and the Muses, not being contained in “dead poetry books of annotation and grammar”. For me this is so significant. I have co-owned a business for four years called Parnassus Consulting. In Greek myth, Parnassus is the home of the Muses and their brother Apollo. The act of inspiration is the root of the Parnassus myth. At the base of the mountain is Delphi. In this ancient place long before the Muses, a crack in the earth released divine fumes that “inspired” even the local goats into gleeful dance. Something entered into them. Something raised their life vitality. As Emerson suggests think of the last time you were awed to hear a friend speak out with a newfound intelligence. It probably was what attracted you to them in the first place. However, over time you have minimized the power of their soul's expression. When was the last time you created an environment for your friend to shine bright emotionally, intellectually and spiritually? When was the last time you held space for that opportunity? Birthdays are too convenient. This is not about fixing him or her, because they were somehow “not living up to their potential” but to really honor with reverence everything about them? This is Trust and this is Tenderness. I know that I have not done it near enough. Perhaps it was too easy to stay busy, rather than explore the richness of this terrain. It does require surrender and forgiveness of the past.

I now find myself on the receiving end of complete strangers holding the space for me in prayer, cards, and contributions. As I reflect on the meaning of friendship, it all actually takes my breath away. I cannot respond as I have in the past. The support is an opening for “a new born form of poetry of God”. What I believe I am witnessing is the expression of God that is older than recorded time. The Sunday after the surgery, a Religious Science congregation spontaneously was asked to contribute. They were encouraged to give up their “Star Bucks” and contribute to help us by placing change in the baskets at the front. The Reverend could not have anticipated what happened next. She was so inspiring in her request that the reaction became this newborn poetry of God. As music played, people came and they kept coming, giving anonymously. They turned our need into a community dance of reverent friendship. We ended up receiving over three thousands dollars. That will enable us to keep insurance premiums, utilities, rent and car paid for another month. This type of Trust and Tenderness is aiding and comforting us in this early part of our long journey ahead. We are so humbled and grateful. Thank you Rev. Sandy Moore and the people who are the Center for Universal Truth. We have not been with you for a while, but will return to say thank you personally as soon as we can. As Emerson says, “just to assure the sole that somewhere friendship will be rejoined together, it will be cheerful and content for a 1,000 years” We will not take a 1,000 years.

So today, I have more energy. I was exhausted yesterday from trying to talk to people on over the weekend. I also took a long walk. It was all too much exercise and expression too soon. What I have realized is that God has set this divine plan into motion, so that I cannot do what I used to do… talk. However, I can listen and I can write about what I hear and witness. My energy level right now will simply not allow more. Moreover, in that place I am learning about how to be a friend by the actions of others. It is about being more soulful. Paradoxly, for me, it is also about “being more silent in our friendship, so that I may hear the whisper of the Gods”. That is my manna from Heaven. It is also becoming my grist for the mill.

Thank you for reading.

With Much Love and Life,

North

There is an old 70’s gospel song called Hold On (A Change Is Coming) by the Gospel Group - Sounds of Blackness

Go To iTunes for Sample of Hold On, on the Album- The Very Best of the Sounds of Blackness. You'll need a downloaded music store program. You can also find it on any other program like Real Player Rhapsody, AOL Music, etc.

I loved songs like this when I was in High School. Back then, it was more about the fun up beat sound than the words. Last night I got to experience, once again, how powerful those words are and how powerful upbeat positive music can be. My current physical situation has put a completely new dimension to “Change”. It has also put a completely new level of experience around “Fear”. From a spiritual inquiring mind, I’m getting to have a round with ultimate questions, like “Once again God, why am I really here?”; “Why this and why now?” and of course the all time hit- “How can I survive this?”

The answer to these questions is in the waiting. Over the past week, one of the most difficult challenges was sleeping and waiting to fall asleep. No sooner would I fall to sleep, than I would be reawakened for vital checks. Due to the sensitive nature of adhering a flap of my stomach, muscle and skin to my head veins have to be connected and quickly learn to like each other. It’s sort of like a forced integration program. The tissue from somewhere down lower in the body must be accepted into the upper end neighborhood. To make sure this happens, the pulse is taken in the new areas every hour. If there is even a hint of rejection, outside forces (surgical teams) can be brought into force and support the less able tissue. (I believe it was such checks that lead me to my bonus round of 2 hours of surgery after the 15 hours. It’s monitoring and practicing the what-if scenario that helps Doctors to become wizards and mere patients to simply grapple with fear in ICU and ultimately find faith in their medical teams.

The other new dimension of this experience is getting your own personal, always handy, suction wand.
It gives you the ability to pull out any phlem (flim, flam or gunk) that finds its way into your throat or is expectorated as your lungs cough up loose inflammation from lying around too long. It puts some power in the patient’s hands. Not a pretty picture, I know, but its reality. And I LOVE my handy personal wand and would not go anywhere without it. WHY? Because, now I have a whole new fear to overcome. Will I cough up the phlem, suction it out in time or will I stumble and have someone discover I got close, but no brass ring. Of course, my new mantra is “I am not my cough, I am not my phlem and I am not my fear about any of this.”

Getting around to what happened last night. I took Tylenol PM. It has Diphenhydramine hydrochloride in it--- A good sleep inducing agent, but not for me. I have had issues in the past. It somehow affects my Self orientation and creates a real sense of separation in my ability to connect with free choice. In short, I become my instinctive survival mode driven human being.

At about 1pm after sleeping solid for three full hours, I stumbled for my personal phlem remover. In the back of my mind ran the routine, cough, probe, remove. Only this time, I knew this was a category 5 Phlem. If I did not get this one, there would be total reliance on someone else finding me in time. How would I respond? I kicked in the manual cougher drive and hacked as loud as I could simultaneously snagging the intruder. Apparently, waking Stef as she came to check on me … my back up alert signal had worked. I drifted back to sleep.

Then about 15 minutes later, I woke in fear. What if I had not coughed loud enough? What if I missed? How could I ever go to sleep again? The side effects of the Diphenhydramine hydrochloride were kicking-in. Fear was consuming me. I was still groggy enough from the medicine that I could not think about how to reverse gear out of the illusion to which I was succumbing. I could only lay there and think thoughts like--- Do I dare risk going back to sleep. Amazing, the very drug that got me to sleep earlier, now was working double time to keep me awake.

Finally, I found the window out. Use a chant I know, Use a song I know, anything to shift the grip that this fear has on me. I tried a few from Rickie Beckwith, I tried a few Ron Roth morning communion chants, I tried to rationalize, I tried to reassure. I tried Beck’s three-step cognitive sorting. Nothing was working. My fear had the upper hand. It was clear in that induced state that I could easily screw up the next time. Even a category 2 could drown me. Then it dawned on me … what voice am I talking to? What value is this voice really bringing to the situation? What if I could wait out the effects of the drug? It would only be about an hour more. At that time, I could better assess the situation and make a real plan to deal with the concern. That is when the old 70’s Gospel hit started humming its way into the background. Hold On, (A Change is Coming) I sang it quietly to myself for the next 40 minutes or so. The distorted thinking finely dissipated. I became calm. Outside of wanting to capture the experience, I was ready to go back to sleep. No worries.

I had listened to the old Gospel once in the last few days in the hospital. Thinking about how it should be the theme song for all “nurse call buttons” After hearing a neighboring patient call out for help, after loosing his call button. I called for him. We lay there as strangers waiting for the response. I never found out what was his problem, much his name, face or other basics. I just heard the rapid movement of equipment and people. As I lay there, I realized that there were all kinds of fears the nurses had to deal with. I started imagining what if you could instantly be fed inspirational music to keep you focused away from fear after you have pushed your call button. For, my neighbor, the nurses responded so quickly in this case the first four notes would have barely played. For me this morning, 40+ minutes waiting out drug induced fear thoughts was plenty of time for several repeat plays. Here are the lyrics in their entirety. I’d highly recommend the song, it’s a fun tune and the words are so general they work in any situation.

Much Love and Life

North

“ Hold On, (A Change Is Coming)”
(recorded by Sounds of Blackness)

Yesterday, a man step to me,
He said how can you smile when your world is crumbling down
I said, heres my secret, when I wanna cry, I take a look around
And I see that I’m getting by

And I hold on (Hold On)
A change is coming
Change is coming (Hold On) (Hold On)
Don’t you worry
Don’t worry bout a thing (Hold On) (Hold On)
You can make it
You can make it
Hold on
Hold on
Everything
Everything will be alright

Some people like to worry
Some people like hide
Some people like to run away
From the pain inside
Now it’s your business
Do whatever you wanna do
But if it don’t work out
Here’s what you oughta do


When the troubles of life weigh you down, just lift your head
Yea, yea, yea
When the love you seek is hard to find,
Don?t give up, just keep strong, keep their faith and
Hold on

(Repeat Chorus)