North's Journey Journal

(Words that played in the background as we got the diagnosis on 2/21/06)
“Think about, think about how many times I have fallen.
Spirits are using me larger voices callin’.
What heaven brought you & me… cannot be forgotten.”

Stephen Stills, Richard Curtis and Michael Curtis

Over the past week I have been thinking a lot about friendship and how many times I have fallen. Before the diagnoses, I had realized how little I had nurtured my friendships. Worklife had been the priority. I also had some false limiting beliefs about worthiness. Those enabled me to justify staying focused on the “mouse wheel” and less on the heart.

Yet, as I face this foe, called cancer, I am being given a table of abundance of friendship that has miraculously appeared. The outpouring of love and support from current friends, old friends and complete strangers is overwhelming. Larger voices are callin’.

My normal response to social engagements and calls from friends is that I love to talk and dominate the conversation. After coming home, I have discovered that is no longer an option. I cannot talk, as it inflames my new “flap”­ ‑- a large part of my abominable muscle that is now in my right side of my mouth and old sinus area. It feels like about the size of a tennis ball to a small grapefruit. Talking too much causes it to swell, making other necessary functions strained. Therefore, I am learning to listen, be patient and let the other person shine.

While in the hospital, I concluded I had at least one aspect of healing that I had going for me. Prior to the operation, I had fully accepted the removal of all cancer tissue including my eye. It was a personal choice, but I got there by the support of friends. (If you did body work on me or saw me or we talked prior to the operation or you sent me an email or voice mail- you had a real impact) By the day of the operation, it was not about resistance as much as acceptance. In post-op, the nurses told me that others that come in are hard to please because they are so angry and distressed. I am having moments of frustration and loss, but they are only moments, thank God. By being available for nurses to care, I received incredible care. Nevertheless, I had to be available first. I had to be past the anger and denial. Several nurses became friends.

I now have a new aspect of healing that I am learning to embrace… friendship. This is new for me. We are getting cards, letters, and donations from places I don’t even know. I would have succumbed to cancer, to not see that a new world is emerging for Stef and I. The arrival of friendship in so many ways is somewhat foreign to me, yet one that my soul hungers for. What I want is to experience the brightness of others, and not so much the fulfillment of loneliness. I want to feel others growing out of the experience, not sacrificing. That seems to be happening. Please comment if you have a specific example of how my journey has raised the quality of your friendships. I would love to know about it.

So what is the nature of friendship? I turned to Emerson. And I reflected on myself. In the past I have tended to make my friendships like the “texture of wine and dreams and not the tough fiber of the heart.” The former was a way to turn friendship into events, an occasional call and stimulating intellectual conversations. The tough fiber of the heart is a bit more demanding. Emerson says it means to show our full face, eye and depth of our soul. It is not showing just our side or our back. However, and even more importantly it means to look for and be naturally energized by the potential of a visit, of trust of support and the silence in the shared moments of two souls becoming one. There is inspiration in that opening. Something occurs between two friend and even in community when the true spirit of the place of friendship is allowed to speak.

Emerson says there are two essential ingredients for friendships: Truth and Tenderness. Society has given us images of all forms of friendship- most tied to small pleasures, gifts, and loans. Emerson boldly says these are “commoditization of love”. Trust and Tenderness are movements of the soul. The actual experience of friendship is friendship. He says friendship is actively inspired by chants of Apollo and the Muses, not being contained in “dead poetry books of annotation and grammar”. For me this is so significant. I have co-owned a business for four years called Parnassus Consulting. In Greek myth, Parnassus is the home of the Muses and their brother Apollo. The act of inspiration is the root of the Parnassus myth. At the base of the mountain is Delphi. In this ancient place long before the Muses, a crack in the earth released divine fumes that “inspired” even the local goats into gleeful dance. Something entered into them. Something raised their life vitality. As Emerson suggests think of the last time you were awed to hear a friend speak out with a newfound intelligence. It probably was what attracted you to them in the first place. However, over time you have minimized the power of their soul's expression. When was the last time you created an environment for your friend to shine bright emotionally, intellectually and spiritually? When was the last time you held space for that opportunity? Birthdays are too convenient. This is not about fixing him or her, because they were somehow “not living up to their potential” but to really honor with reverence everything about them? This is Trust and this is Tenderness. I know that I have not done it near enough. Perhaps it was too easy to stay busy, rather than explore the richness of this terrain. It does require surrender and forgiveness of the past.

I now find myself on the receiving end of complete strangers holding the space for me in prayer, cards, and contributions. As I reflect on the meaning of friendship, it all actually takes my breath away. I cannot respond as I have in the past. The support is an opening for “a new born form of poetry of God”. What I believe I am witnessing is the expression of God that is older than recorded time. The Sunday after the surgery, a Religious Science congregation spontaneously was asked to contribute. They were encouraged to give up their “Star Bucks” and contribute to help us by placing change in the baskets at the front. The Reverend could not have anticipated what happened next. She was so inspiring in her request that the reaction became this newborn poetry of God. As music played, people came and they kept coming, giving anonymously. They turned our need into a community dance of reverent friendship. We ended up receiving over three thousands dollars. That will enable us to keep insurance premiums, utilities, rent and car paid for another month. This type of Trust and Tenderness is aiding and comforting us in this early part of our long journey ahead. We are so humbled and grateful. Thank you Rev. Sandy Moore and the people who are the Center for Universal Truth. We have not been with you for a while, but will return to say thank you personally as soon as we can. As Emerson says, “just to assure the sole that somewhere friendship will be rejoined together, it will be cheerful and content for a 1,000 years” We will not take a 1,000 years.

So today, I have more energy. I was exhausted yesterday from trying to talk to people on over the weekend. I also took a long walk. It was all too much exercise and expression too soon. What I have realized is that God has set this divine plan into motion, so that I cannot do what I used to do… talk. However, I can listen and I can write about what I hear and witness. My energy level right now will simply not allow more. Moreover, in that place I am learning about how to be a friend by the actions of others. It is about being more soulful. Paradoxly, for me, it is also about “being more silent in our friendship, so that I may hear the whisper of the Gods”. That is my manna from Heaven. It is also becoming my grist for the mill.

Thank you for reading.

With Much Love and Life,

North

# posted by North McKinnon @ 6:45 PM