North's Journey Journal

The questions- Who Am I? and What Am I Here For? The insanity of these questions is that we have to ask at all. But that is the question is it not? To Be or Not To Be. To Be, means we step out of the boat and embrace our True & Beautiful environment that we share with God/dess in its wholeness. To Be is not staying bound by the illustion of our ego. To Not Be means we remain dominated by illusions. As Whitman poses...
"Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean,
of the struggle ever renew’d,"

The ego serves us to a point and renews our struggle to define ourselves. We never step out of the boat. The alternate choice is to make it of service to us as we shine the brightest light we are. The challenge is to do it without vainity or expectation of reward. But simply for Love.

Today, was in my combo Chemo and Radiation (long day) sessions. As you know I am already taking pain medicine to alleviate the roughness of the radiation. The Chemo has its own side-effects (nausea, fatigue, weak immune system rash and teenage acne) Today as I took my shots, to offset radiation effects, in both arms I braced myself for the potential pain. Then I saw the word "Prefernence". God had winked. I had a moment to make a choice about fear and love. For me shots are almost always a prick, tight muscle, nerve pain of a combination of all. You have to understand, at age 7, I was conditioned to not trust shot givers. Back then my arm would sometimes remain swollen and sore for a week after allergy shots. This has not happened in years, but I still brace myself. All the side effects, all blend into an overall illusion and sensation of suffering. Metaphorically, I am in an open water swim, exhausted from swimming and staying afloat, knowing sharks are present, feeling sting rays prick me and realizing at any moment one or all of these effects could drown me. The cause? The cause would be me. The mistaken belief that the illustion is real. The safety seems to be get back in the boat--brace myself and hope it does not hurt. But in doing so I am not always considerate of others. Nor am I open to another interpretation of their intention. Its easier to judge their action as a cause, when in reality it is compassion. The nurse was about to be the cause. Or was I?

Perhaps you've had similar experiences at sometime. Perhaps it was a relationship you expected wonders from and that all the while it was transforming into something else that would shape you deeper than you could imagine- suddenly its over and the only way you see the other is as heartless; or the anxiety of a new career or move- will I be happy or they out to take advantage of me?. Our media constantly enforces the "super hero archetype... Both the hero and the failed attempts. There is a certain level of giving up control and having to accept the fact that you have done all you can, even though you know that Hercules or Spiderman would have found a way through. Our minds retain these images Then when you know you are not going to be able to take another step, move ahead, you get up and try again. What compels you forward? Is it your True nature or the compelling image or words from others? Or some combination of both that cannot make any sense to the rational strategic mind.

So as I was bracing myself for the two shots of Amilfostene. I knew these would save my salivary glands in long run, but make me nauseous within 2-3 hours. (Yesterday, after the treatments and on the way home, the nausea took hold. I had to have my brother pull into and alley, so I could release my stress on some hardy landscaping. It was more a stress juice release than a real heave-ho)

Knowing the negative image and anxiety was strong, I opened my heart to the Holy Presence and asked for another image. With the word "Preference" appearing on a medical supply box, I had a revelation. Suddenly I realized, if I could love the nurse giving me my shots that would open me to more love in receiving them. Guess what- no pain, no naseau, no swelling, Just a tad bit of sorenss that was out of the doubt that bubbled up. Choosing to cause Love and being the effect of Love at the same time is what the Golden Rule teaches us. I would think the nurse would care for me more knowing that I cared for her help. That I was sacrificing the negative images to the knowing certainty that Love was a better feeling. The key that is so often over looked is that we believe God/dess' Will is outside of us. The Truth it is always within in. Just as the ocean and the wave cannot be separated. We have to open our minds to receiving it and give up the illustions which our small ego boats are so determined to magnify and insist as true. Rather I chose TO BE with Holy Spirit and be focused on Love. In my choice, I wrote a small verse for Whitman's "powerful play that goes on" (see earlier post Oh me, Oh LIfe).

Perhaps you read about a seven year old, Braxton Bilbrey, who swam 1.4 miles from Alcatraz to shore. I don't have a full understanding about why or how, but the fact he did it is phenomenal. The fact that a parent and other adults supported him is questionable. At some point wiser minds need to prevail. Perhaps they did and that is why he made it. He was experienced, a fourth grader had done it before and there was plenty of supervision. Yet, the risk must have been high. He mentally was not hampered by the negative outcomes. For him it was goal to beat. Was he doing for himself, his coach, his parents? Hard to say, but I would bet it was more the later. Seven years olds are not thinking about legacy. I wonder what would have happened had he been about 21 when the mind tends to really play out the choice game with more rational ego based reasons for not meeting a goal. I wonder if a 21 if he'll be blessed to make the choice totally for his own, without the agenda being dominated by others.

At the same time David Blaine's , the magician, latest stunt ( spending a week living in an 8-foot acrylic sphere filled with water, setting a world record for breath holding and then escaping from 150 pounds of chains and handcuffs) was a bust. He stood to make a lo of money. Yet, he kept saying he was doing it for the fans. Seems he put his skin and liver at risk. Seems he went unconscious and came up short on two of his goals. Not much has been published about his condition, but he may have had some serious physical effects.

Both Braxton Bilbrey and David Baiin wrote a verse for the play too. Very dramatic. But I think as admirable as these feats are they are not in the same class as someone that consciously chooses to be the cause for a higher effect on the broader stage of humanity. People like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, FDR, Mother Teresa, John Lennon were public in their preferences. The courage of the 7 year old and the magician awe us with the risk they took. To choose to leave our tiny boat of egotism and live outloud with preferences TO BE, takes another type of courage. It takes the courage to recognize self-reliance is all that we really have. What's tricky is that self-reliance without God's Will is the making of a Zealot. And self-reliance without consideration of how we truly serve others is the making of a "rightous" person- "I'm right you are wrong." To be truly rightous in the scrpitures is to live through God/dess's Will and ACT with the virtues that bring compassion to the forefront.

The verses you and I write, do not have to be headline news or prime time TV. They can be small steps towards practicing self-reliance by allowing God/dess Will to exist hand in hand in our hearts and following what shows up.

Here is one more example. I overhead a conversation in the waiting room today, where the receptionist was trying to help another patient over the phone, but in the process she managed to let the her ego take over and the best of intentions created a negative storm of misunderstanding and resentment. After the call ended, the receptionist started retelling the entire conversation to a peer for stress relief. I could not resist a desire to bring some light to the situation. So, I offered some outside neutral feedback, explained that as a professional facilitator I help people with difficult cnversations all the time. She accepted and I carefully let her know what I had heard. The mistake the receptionist made was she laughed about the "insanity" of how schedules work in this particular facility. The other party heard the laugher and interpreted it as being at him and his situation. He became "rude" as the receptionist quickly informed him and the cycle of ego spiral began. I offered that next time she might want to affirm and acknowledge how frustrated the person was before adding more fuel to the fire by letting him know how "rude" he was behaving. Clearly the other party had been frustrated by previous non-responsive receptionists and expected this one to be different. Once again, what verse could be written and who will do it. In this case each person had the opportunity to write a beautiful verse of service. Yet the ego slipped in and gummed up the dance. I decided to step in, as I was determined to complete my experiment of practicing conscious kindness. I took a risk. It was not as spectacular a swimming in shark infested waters of holding my breath after a week of being submerged, but it was a risk that I could bring some Truth to the situation, without my ego taking over.

You may be facing doubt and fear about something that you have started and are not sure you will be able to prevail. The uncertainty can be your greatest leverage point, or it can be the fuel for egotism gone wild. I encourage you to take a moment and make a choice To Be or Not To Be from a Higher Self Reliance.
Stef and I call it STP- Lube for the SOUL.
S= Surrender,
T= Trust in God/Goddess presence,
P=Practice Patience

and True answer will come.

By choosing STP, you are inviting in the wholenes to join you in your experience of Being. You will be safe, and you will not be alone in a small boat or an untrusting universe. And you will write a verse- coming to know at a deeper level what Whitman meant by reference to identity. What is your identity "preference"?

"That you are here—that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse"

Much Love and Life,

North