North's Journey Journal

Today is a shoreline for acceptance. Today, I feel I am finding peace deeper in the uncertainty and mix of all the needs that have washed uo on my shore. One that I share with Stef and Zach. Peace in the certainty that everything is going to be safe and perfect. The deepness comes from this past week, which was a focus on the mundane tasks- necessary, but stirring up lots of negative emotions from fears of "what if". Worry from wht was not done, needing to be done and then capped off with pre-op meetings with the surgeons. Thank God, for my friends and the Dark Fish Men's Council. Helping friends came to our house this week to pray, drum, hold space, converse, inquire and share love. Then last night Zach came to spend the weekend. His energy was so wonderful to experience. He is showing both love and courage. He's still growing into manhood, and learning, but at the core he is a Joy in my life. He is so wonderful just the way he is. The amazing thing is that I have said that since he was born. As a result, I am in a place of feeling how grateful I am for all the blessings in my life. This thought fuels my focus for the upcoming week.

This process unfolds with a sense of urgency and overwhelm. All the things that I knew I needed to have taken care of suddenly became immediate. Insurance, wills, office matters, bills, coming medical bills, sources of income. All the stuff I did in my spare time became front stage in the first part of the week. Then Friday we met with Dr. Armstrong and Dr. Evans. They are excellent surgeons. I am so fortunate. Yet, they had to take us through all the "what ifs" This is the legal necessity of our times, plus, the need to set the stage for uncertainty that is part of surgery. Yet the procedure itself is a testament to modern science and technology. Stef and I came home exhausted. We once again decided to take a "vacation" and went out for early dinner and to be "normal". Once again, we experienced "signs and wonders" as we were comforted by music and strangers in ways that were simply divine.

Now my focus is holding the potential wonders of a perfect surgery and perfect recovery and healing. The surgery is 10 hours. I will be in ICU for 2-4 days and out of the hospital in about 6-8 days. I am intending that the cancer will be removed with the least amount of complications. I totally trust the surgeons their team. The right side of my face is becoming a "sacred space" in my meditation- one of forgiveness and a communion. The shift is moving from attack to acceptance and total healing. The pain is a constant reminder that their is danger here, but in that I am learning that I can influence that in how I use it for an opportunity for deeper communion with spirit.

The unity of that energy is very tangible in my daily vitality. I feel the power of prayer and positive thoughts. I continue to be grateful for all your prayers and support. I am also starting to appreciate humor and laughter as an essential ingredient to this path. Its the nutrition of the soul. Just as I have totally shifted my diet to a more fruit and vegetable diet, I am seeking more laughter and positive imagery. All of this is stimulating my physical well being. It is a very visceral feeling.