North's Journey Journal

Tuesday was a milestone… or perhaps a tubestone. My G-tube (feeding tube was removed.) We waited for over two weeks to get an appointment. I interpreted that the wait as an indication that the procedure was a very complicated surgery although minor. I was also told it would take 2 weeks to heal before I could get into the water to swim. The initial implanting of the tube had been quite painful and it took about a week for me to stand upright without pain. So, I figured PAIN would be part of the removal experience. What could be more obvious? After all, I have become quite sensitive at recognizing pain in doctor’s offices and hospitals.

Stef and I got to the hospital 45 minutes early. (I know some of you are thinking -- that in itself had to be painful- arriving early how did you pull that off?) The receptionist said “go have a seat, we’ll take you right in.”

I asked, “Right in, meaning- to have the procedure?”

“Yes, she replied, it really quite simple.”

Protection kicked in. Simple for you, I thought, you have become so calloused, seeing all the pain and suffering that comes with this procedure. I caught my judgement and remembered she and the rest of the staff are here to heal. Turning a negative into a positive requires a corrective procedure in itself. When the mind is caught in a single path, it becomes tubular- single focused. When in fear, I tend to forget there is more than one way to see a situation. Do you?

Of course the upside of the tube had been that I was able to consume food, while my mouth and throat were being so severely radiated. The Tube had become a part of me and I it. We were joined in the ultimate “fast food fix”. If in a rush, just inject 2500 calories and off I went. In less than 2 minutes, I had a full stomach. There was also the silliness. I had taken on a secret Super Hero identity- Tube Titan, Protector of the Innocent. But that is another story.

As Grace, the nurse, explained the procedure, I prepared myself physically for the pending PAIN. I laid back, pulled up my shirt and got as comfortable as I could. She says, “We’ll do it right here in the prep/recovery area. There is no local or need for the doctor.” Stef noticed, how perfect a name – Grace- for the event. However, I was in my emotional body.

There had to be a mistake. No local, no doctor and right there for all to hear my screams!!! She continued, “This will take about a minute.” I immediately envisioned, her pulling hard and abruptly- yanking the tube from its position. Then I heard her say, “I simply cut the tube, that deflates the balloon holding it in place and then I simply pull it out. You should not feel anything.”

I braced myself. My face pruned up and I held my breath. Stef held my hand. I watched Stef’s face for signals. She could see everything, although the tube insertion point was masked by the nurses hand. I closed my eyes. Then I head Stef move. Within seconds I see Stef’s face shift from anticipation to her radiant smile. It was over, I had felt nothing. In fact, I was still holding my breath braced, after the nurse stepped away.

BEFORE

AFTER

What a relief!

Then I thought… where had my Faith been in all that. Where had my own trust in safety gone. I had allowed fear to create as painful a picture as I could imagine. A picture that was totally inaccurate about my Real future. The only facts that had been given to me, I had interpreted as evidence of probable PAIN. Based on past memories, I had woven together a future scenario that was so off the track, that I had become lost in a total illusion. In my self-absorption with the “pending painful event” I failed to check-in. I knew that there were other facts that showed this would be simple. I just habitually chose the ones that matched my fear. How often am I doing that with other uncertain situations in my life?

Its an automatic survival reflex. At one point in evolution an active imagination gave our ancestors a jump on the lion or snake about to devour them. Yet, today, the jungle is different and we typically have time to get to choose how we interpret pending events and then how we act. The key is recognizing the free choice we have in any situation. That is easier said than done. After all, we have 500,000 years of evolution that helped to wire us. To fully exercise choice in fear and uncertainty, Faith is essential. We have to have a belief in something bigger than a future situation and bigger than our life circumstances in any given moment. So where does Faith come from? As humans we have evolved to a new point of awareness of Faith. I believe it is a major part of the the next evolutionary leap. THe ultimate Leap of Faith. Co-creating our True Reality.

As Ernest Holmes says, “In order to have faith, we must have a conviction that all is well.” (P159 Science of Mind) Rather than accept a positive possibility that the G-tube removal would be painless, I had totally bought into a mental illusion of future pain. Our Faith loses its vitality when we allow doubts and fear to weaken our trust, belief and acceptance in something larger than ourselves. Our sense of safety becomes totally focused on what we see or hear around us and we forget to check-inwardly for guidance. Through all this journey my understanding of Faith has deepened. I now know that having Faith is evidence of my belief, trust and acceptance in God- the Source of all that is, the One Universal Mind. It is ever present and flowing. Its up to me to choose to see life from a limited set of facts or to remember there is so much Goodness ever present.
How I choose to imagine a future experience is a choice.

When you finish this entry, please stop and ask yourself about what you are imagining in your future. Do you have conviction that ultimately all is well or are you caught in the ebb and flow of your imaginative tube like mind? Consider, what you feed into the tube can never accurately predict your Real future. Whether it is the past, facts or intuition. The Truth is that God, the Universe always has more to behold than you can imagine. Its how you hold Faith, comprehend the situation, connect with others and then creatively act from that awareness that really matters.

Thank you for taking time to read. Much Love to you.