North's Journey Journal

Update: (Story of Event Follows)

I am so grateful for all the Love and support I have received and experienced in the past three weeks. Please, know that everyday I am in deep gratitude for all the Faith, financial support and Prayers that have been sent. Know that each is healing me. Because of the generosity of people attending the Marianne Fund Raiser and other donations, we are able to take a breath and know that our immediate bills and medical expenses are managible. This will enable to us to take the next step towards self-suficiency. This Blog will take you about 8 minutes to read. I hope you can find the time, as it describes one of the most significant events of my life.

I started Chemo Treatment on Friday Oct 20th, just two days after getting the Pet and CT Scan results noted in my last Blog. Its been about 28 days since then, a moon cycle. The chemo cocktail is 110 mg Cisplatin w/ Mannitol (systemic), 110mg Toxtere (doxetoxal) (lung) and 5 FU (liver). The latter is infused via my heart beat from a fanny pack that I wear for four days. As I write this Blog, I am on my fourth day. This cocktail was just approved by the FDA on Tuesday 10/17. I feel blessed for such care. The primary side effects have been hiccups and mouth sores. No nausea or extreme fatigue.

On the mental, emotional and spiritual realms I feel healed. There is a circuit being made with the physical that I can’t fully describe in words. There is a true sense of well-being flowing. My friend Dr Ed Taub tells me that it’s Nitric Oxide, Chemical notation “NO”. I’d rather call it “YES”. On the website for the Nobel Prize winning scientist that discovered its effects, it is described as a new Principle for signaling in the human body. (See link below for more) I prefer to think of it as a signal from God that Love has Graced my life and I have finally surrendered to accepting to that Blessing.

Our Story Continues…
In three fast weeks, major events have redefined the fields in which I live out my life – some cultural holidays, some political, some community, some family and some very spiritual, emotional and personal. Having a journal or Blog can help us capture the facts of events. Yet, for me, the energy of revelations from first hand experience cannot be held anywhere but in my heart. Pam Kennedy, a social worker, remarked this morning- “Words are so 2 dimensional, while experiences are 3-D.” I wish I could just sum up this Blog like The Beatles sang- “Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da Life goes on.” But, inquiring minds never sleep.

In short, I have been transformed as the result of two major public experiences with two of the great spiritual women of our time- Byron Katie, who I met on October 28th and Marianne Williamson who headlined a Fund Raiser for us on November 5th. (See link below for more on who they are below). Since the Marianne experience touched so many that know us directly, I’ve chosen to write about it first. In the next few days I’ll write about the Byron Katie experience and some other personal events. They will be out of order, but as the Southern Pulitzer Prize winner, Eudora Welty said “The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order: the continuous thread of revelation.”

Through Marianne’s and Katie’s presence in my life, my thoughts and beliefs have been shaken to the core and are now emerging fresh and new with Confidence and Peace for my emerging journey. Katie healed my confused mind. Marianne healed my wild heart. I am eternally grateful to Spirit, in its infinite wisdom, to send these two beautiful souls into my life with such perfect healing and timing. Both events occurred right after I got the Scans reports and during a time I am facing questions of mortality with Stef, Zach, my family and friends. I was not expecting what occurred at either event. Nor was I expecting the profound impact on others that witnessed the events.

So many have shared their feeling and impressions. I welcome your thoughts, so please write to me. Your perceptions help me to comprehend and connect even deeper to the significance of the way God is working in all our lives.

Marianne Williamson Fund Raiser- Nov 5th
Audio CD Sound Tracks Available SOON at www.NorthandStef.org
Last Sunday at the Center for Spiritual Discovery(link below), we were joined by over 110 new and old friends to celebrate life and share in the inspiration of wonderful musicians, Marianne’s words of wisdom and food and fun. I was certain about my expectations for the evening, but God had something else in mind.

Marianne spent some private time, before joining our guests, to sit with Zach, Stef and me. She immediately sized up the situation— a gift that is as wondrous as her writing. She saw that the three of us are dancing with fear, confusion, faith and hope. For me it’s like being on a narrow mountain ridge on the way to the Top of the Mountain. There is a constant awareness of death on one side and Life on the other. She quickly helped us to move to a place of gratitude in our confusion. For in the midst of the Journey we have discovered so much Love together. Marianne honed in on my sense of worth or as I have a habit of saying “I have not done enough yet with my life. What if I don’t reach the Mountain Top before I die?" Or as she put it “You take the 5:05 train instead of the 10:15.” She moved me to a place where I realized, I had already arrived at the Mountain Top. Stef and Zach are It! From that elevated perspective, I do not need to climb any higher. I can see Stef as a radiant woman, full of Love for me and nurtured by our shared journey. And I can see Zach as the youthful young man he has become, filled with Love for me and capable of living life fully. A prayer parents dream for their children.

As we left that meeting, there was serenity in our path, and that settled my concerns about what to say on stage as we greeted everyone. Stef and I stepped up and just surrendered to the energy of Love filling the room. Yet, no one was prepared for how the Love would raise the roof. Once Stef and I had greeted everyone and told our story; the musicians and Marianne, set about knocking down walls of separation between my mind and heart and opening doors to divine Love from everyone in the room. Mark Romero played his Flamenco guitar music as people entered. (See link below for more on Mark) I love this style of guitar playing because its origins came from the merger of at least four cultures. Its like a rhythm that proves coexistence is possible: the Gypsies, the Moors or Arabs, the Jews, the indigenous Andalusians of southern Spain together influenced the style. And I love it because it invites El Duende- Federico García Lorca was a Spanish poet who said "The great artists of Southern Spain … regardless of whether they sing, dance or play instruments, know that no kind of emotion is possible unless the duende arrives". For me, El Duende is the rhythm of how we take in Life- the miracle of birth, the dangers of emergence and the arrival of death. Mark opened and closed the evening with his magic call of duenda... it arrived … opening layers of emotion. Then Faith Rivera soled and teamed with Gerald White to make certain the emotional temperature of the room was divinely inspired. (See link below for more on Faith and Gerald, plus lyrics to the songs that moved the night)

By the time Marianne took the stage, there was not a dry eye to be found. Especially, mine. Rather than going into a motivational lecture, she instead opened with Prayer and stated- “This is a heart breaking night and this is a Beautiful night, it does not get any better than this or worse than this, this is Life!” Then over the next 45 minutes she took my heart and soul and placed me before my friends to be bathed in the purity of Love, authentic expressions of encouragement and deep healing that can only come from a connection to the ONE. She took the spirit of El Duende and had us all dancing with the incomprehensible merger of Light and Shadow. She reminded me that I once said to her, “I’ll die if I don’t get real.” To that she added, “One of the ways to get real is to face death..” Then she boldly reminded us, “With our mortal minds and none of us can know what time North’s train depart and that concern is really irrelevant as eventually everyone takes a train out of here.” I realized in that moment, its really a question of what do I do with the time that I have been given. Do I worry about not doing enough or do I simply Love the life I have been given? With the Love in the room, the answer was clear, drop the old habits and greet a new day.

She evoked the presence of Jesus as she reminded us of His last hours before the crucifixion. She praised everyone for remaining awake in his or her faith by coming to support us in our Journey. The she prayed earnestly that there had been enough tears and loss and asked the Divine Physician to cast out the darkness and replace it with Vitality, Health, Peace and Love and that every cell of my body be healed. As she spoke she invited friends speak out their words of medicine from their hearts. So many beautiful words rang out. Then she invited Rev. Jim (link below) an others to come forward and surround me. Zach and Stef were among the first, co-placing their hands on my heart. I felt the warmth of a least 20 people that squeezed up on the small stage. As I closed my eye and received, I felt as though I had been covered with a wonderful soft comforter on a cold winter night. The wind may be howling, but I am all snuggled up, safe and warm. Like putting on nice warm socks and feeling my toes wiggle all cozy inside. It is a memory that I will savor forever. Thank you God!

She was not finished with me. As everyone took their seats, she had be stay and sit facing the stage. Then she invited individuals to come forward and tell me what I meant to them. After several friends came and spoke, Stef and Zach closed. Stef was so beautiful standing there declaring I was her True Lifemate and Soulmate, and expressing deep gratitude for the Joy and Happiness we have created together. Then came Zach. He was so courageous; all 18 years of him came bravely forward. He stood there moving nervously back and forth, searching for the words and then he breathed in deep. Looking at me, squarely as a young man that has found his own, he said, “ You are my hero, you are my Spiderman!” Then he sat down with tears swelling up in his, mine and everyone’s in the room, he said, “You always will be, whatever happens.” For Zach that is the highest praise possible. Spiderman is his archetype for power and positive character. I was so moved and will never forget his courage. For in that step onto the stage, I saw my son take responsibility for his own path in life.

The evening then ended with a community sing-a-long of Lean on Me lead by the Faith and the musicians. It was so amazing because throughout Marianne’s talk she kept referencing and encouraging me to “Lean on the Faith of everyone one in the room”. We had not shared the closing plans with her. She had no way of knowing, except intuitively.

So, out of this dark journey into the woods so many blessings have come and with it so much Light. Stef and I are deeply in love, Zach and I have a rich and wonderful connection as a Father and Son and my family in Tennessee and I are closer, despite the 2000 miles that physically separate us. My thinking about cancer has been transformed. Instead of hovering around like dragons to eat me up, my thoughts are transforming into Angels that are bringing revelations of how wonderful Life has become as I accept coexistence with whatever Life hands me.

Thank you for taking time to read this. Your Love and support are forever woven into my heart. “Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da Life goes on.”

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LINKS

Nitric Oxide http://nobelprize.org/

Marianne Williamson
She is an internationally acclaimed author, lecturer spiritual activist. She has published nine books, four of which - including the mega bestseller A Return to Love and Everyday Grace - have been #1 New York Times bestsellers. As of 2006 HarperCollins had published eighteen of her works. The press has referred to her as a modern-day shaman a Mother Teresa for the ‘90s. Marianne has been a popular guest on numerous television programs such as Oprah, Larry King Live, Good Morning America, and Charlie Rose. http://marianne.com

Mark Romoero- http://www.markromeromusic.com/
Faith Rivera http://www.faithrivera.com/
Gearald White http://www.geraldwhitemusic.com/
Rev. Jim Turrell- Center for Spiritual Discovery

Byron Katie
TIME magazine has profiled Katie, calling her “a visionary for the new millennium.” In March 2002, Harmony Books published Katie’s first book, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, co-written with renowned author/translator Stephen Mitchell. Loving What Is has been translated into twenty languages. It reached as high as #21 on Amazon

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Songs That Moved the Night

God Is
by Faith Rivera

Where I am God is
Where I stand God is standing strong
Where I breathe God is breathing life
In & out & through me as me

Where I sing God is
Where I dance Joy lifts my feet
Where I live Beauty’s running free
In & out & through me as me

Where I run God is
Where I race God is strength within me
Where I reach God is carrying me
In & out through me as me

Where I doubt God is the faith in me
Where I cry God is the comfort there
Where I seek God’s the answer
Here, now forever & ever & ever

Where I speak Truth is
Where I work Love is my career
Where I play God is playing boldly
IN & out & through me …as me

Where I am
Where I stand
Where I play
Where I work
Where I sing
Where I dance
Wherever I go
Where I pray & take & give & love

God is… God is… God is… God is…

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The Prayer
Sung by Faith Rivera and Gerald White
Original by Céline Dion & Andrew Bocelli

I pray you’ll be our eyes,
and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise,
in times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer,
when we lose our way
Lead us to a place,
guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe.
La luce che tu dai
I pray we’ll find your light
Nel cuore resterà
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
L’eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c’è
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe

Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternità

La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
È il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amor
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a sè
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child

Need to find a place,
guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salverà
_________________

Lean On Me
Closing Song Lead by Faith and Gerald
Original by Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you WON’T let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

you just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that YOU’LL understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For ,it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

YA just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that YOU’LL understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me
call me (if you need a friend)