North's Journey Journal

Today the calendar shows it is the Fall Equinox. Technically, it is not until the 23rd at 4:13 am. Traditionally, this is the time to recognize summer’s end and the fall harvest. What we planted in the spring is now gathered for the winter. Our ancestors saw this as a time of reaping abundance and letting go that which no longer served them. It’s a time to count our blessings and be grateful for what we have. From an astronomical view the Equinox is the moment when the Sun is located right over the equator. The event occurs twice a year, around March 20 and September 23. If we could pull back from the Earth enough we would see that on this date the Sun spends an equal amount of time above and below the horizon at every location on Earth. That is equal time of day and night. The word equinox derives from the Latin words aequus (equal) and nox (night).

So I ask myself- what am I reaping out of what was planted in the spring? It was March 23rd when the operation occurred- Spring Equinox.

Over the past few days I went back to visit with Dr Evans and Dr Armstrong. I scheduled my reconstruction surgery for sometime in November. Dr Evans is a brilliant plastic surgeon. One of the joys of going to an academic hospital is that there are always students to come observe. I of course am a unique case. This visit he had about six students parade in. One was from Thailand. If you recall, I asked Dr Evans to plant love and joy into the cavity that was created in my face after they removed the tumor and sinus maxillary. Of course he successfully placed in muscle and tissue from my stomach. It has now settled to an almost normal size. The upcoming surgery will be to make it even more balanced and open up my mouth cavity for clearer speech. As I shared my “flap” with the students I pointed out the “joy and love” that was growing inside. “I am so happy”, I said and that was the truth!

My visit with Dr Armstrong was to check my ear for plane flights. There is some restriction of the air passage in my right nasal passage. This could effect my ability to equalize the pressure in my right ear. Not being able to equalize, puts added pressure on the ear drum, which could burst in the middle of a flight. Turns out I have some ability to equalize and it will probably be ok, as long as the flight remain pressurized. Of course it doesn’t, there will be bigger issues. I did learn that I have lost some high-end frequency hearing in my right ear (radiation/chemo effects). It is slightly affecting my ability to hear, so my left ear is stronger. My right side of my face seems to becoming the darker- no eye and loss of salivary glands, teeth, and now less hearing. But in so many ways it is where I find redemption.

Beyond these factors, I am still gaining weight and all my vitals continue to be good. I just have to drink a lot of fluid everyday- about 2 liters. Its something we all need to do anyway. The one unexpected change is that my hair is coming back thicker and darker. I think its probably Dr Ed Taub’s Nature Code vitamins. And who knows a good dose of chemo and radiation may have some positive hair effects.

As I left Dr Evans, I had time to go to the Chrystal Cathedral- of Dr Robert Schuler’s Hour of Power fame. When I can I like to go there and meditate in the prayer room, under the church bells. Its very powerful. There is also a statue of Job on the grounds. I always go by and re-anchor my Faith. The story of Job is one of the most powerful stories of the of personal Faith. I had read Thomas Moore’s version just before I got my diagnosis back in Febuary. So much was going on- loss of work, future uncertainty. When I learned I had cancer it only made the story come more alive for me. The story inspired me to continue to look deep inside for Faith. As I stood in front of the statue last Tuesday, I was reflecting about Job. Like him I had gone through so much and how rich my Faith had become. The similarities in the story had been amazing. As I stood there, I thought back to having seen a small whirlwind circling about Stef and I as we stood on the grounds of the old stone Cathedral at Mission San Juan Capistrano. In Job, God appears as a gigantic whirlwind at the end of the story and impresses upon Job how magnificent He is… creator of the universe and more. In this, unseen Source of power and Love I too have my Faith. It was this Faith that healed St. Perigrine- the Catholic Saint of Cancer Healing who is honored at Mission San Juan.

Standing there in front of the statue of Job, I read the inscribed verse- “When He has freed me, I shall come forth as gold”. The moment I read the verse, I heard a hard metallic crash on the concrete below me. It was not gold dropping from me. My recently replaced Treo 600 had slipped out of its belt holster and slammed to the ground. My first thought was, its just fine, there is no way it would break here. After all it had been replaced for free under manufactures’ warranty. That had been a real blessing. I picked it up. The internal screen was cracked creating a beautiful multicolor abstract diagonal design, but leaving the upper ¼ of the screen functioning. The phone worked, I just could not see the screen fully. It was broken. My next thought was… “Oh God, you’re not done with testing me” (A totally twisted thought, from childhood misunderstandings about God’s Love.) I quickly recognized the thought and redirected it. “Oh God, you have more in mind for me than I can imagine. This is a problem, but it is not my entire life. I have the resources within me to handle this problem. All is truly well.”

So I calmly (and with some irritation of the pending hassle) turned and decided to take time for lunch in the Cathedral’s outside cafeteria. As I sat there, I kept thinking surely this can’t be broken. It will repair itself. (Magical thinking can be soothing.) I decided to take the long way home and go by Verizon Store and have the technician repair it. After all it was just the screen. (Denial can be a wonderful elixir… for the short term) I finished lunch, had a wonderful mediation in the prayer room and then drove off to Verizon. Where there was more waiting for me than I could imagine.

The technician said she could not repair it. I would have to file a claim. She called it in and handed me the receiver. The voice on the other end said, “I’m sorry sir, we no longer have that model in stock, will you be ok with the newest model? We’ll have it to you by tomorrow morning.” I was stunned. More than I could imagine. I asked- “So how much more will this cost?” expecting the worse. There was no additional cost, just the standard $50 deductible. In effect, I was getting a $300 phone for $50!. I immediately thought about the verse I had read- “When He has freed me, I shall come forth as gold”. I am sure the author was being metaphorical about our souls, but having a little material manifestation of gold is nothing to reject. “Ship it! And Thank YOU!” I exclaimed. Though my Treo 600 was destroyed, the outcome was miraculous and unimaginable.


Once again, I got a taste of how old doubts and fear can deflate our Faith. This time, I was able to take a breath and stay open at the top. I knew that I was secure in my Faith, but the doubts wanted to create a different story. Rev Sandy Moore, just last Sunday, had talked about how doubts can wedge themselves in between our Faith and fear. “We have to put feet on our Faith” she explained. She also recalled Martin Luther King’s statement- “The first step in Faith is to take the 1st step.” For me the 1st step was to recognize the unstable ground of habitual negative worry I could walk on and pull back and choose the stability of my Faith. It paid off. Dropping and breaking a phone is not a major catastrophe. But our minds can turn it into a stressful situation. How often do we let the circumstances of our lives interfere with who we really are in our life? There is suffering in life. We can’t ever really know why. But we can make a choice in how we respond to situations. We can learn to recognize the Truth and rest in that. Even in the most dramatic statement in Job is the Truth revealed- “Though He slay me, yet will I Trust in Him.” Job 13:15. Regardless of how you image “Him”, Trusting in something bigger than yourself is so key to balanced living. This is my belief and within that belief you’ll find the core of my Faith. So tragic was that first word of cancer, yet how rich I am now in my life. Just as the sun helps what we plant grow, Faith is something that we must tend and grow. As Mohandas Gandhi said, “Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into.”

or as Wordworth discovered one beautiful morning...

THE PRELUDE
BOOK FOURTH
SUMMER VACATION
William Wordsworth
Section 330

The morning rose, in memorable pomp,
Glorious as e'er I had beheld--in front,
The sea lay laughing at a distance; near,
The solid mountains shone, bright as the clouds,
Grain-tinctured, drenched in empyrean light;
And in the meadows and the lower grounds
Was all the sweetness of a common dawn--
Dews, vapours, and the melody of birds,
And labourers going forth to till the fields.
Ah! need I say, dear Friend! that to the brim
My heart was full; I made no vows, but vows
Were then made for me; bond unknown to me
Was given, that I should be, else sinning greatly,
A dedicated Spirit. On I walked
In thankful blessedness, which yet survives.

May you enjoy what your spring planting has yielded this fall with great abundance, prosperity and health. My Friends, may your "cup be filled to the brim"

Happy Fall Equinox 2006