North's Journey Journal

Over the past month, Stef and I have been so blessed by the spontaneous sharing of time, talent and money. The old adage- “to give is to receive” is taking on many aspects for us. It is also seeming to be a lesson for us in the reverse “to receive is to give”. I’d like to share some thoughts about what these mean to me.

As you know, our income flow has been reduced dramatically, because I am unable to work. There was a slow down in temporary project work in the first quarter and because of the gradual emergence of the cancer in December, January and February, I was not able to attract extra income as I had in the fall. Looking forward it is going to be about 8 months before I am 100%. Right now, we are ok, but as the Journey unfolds, we may become more dependent on gifts. This is not an intention, but is simply the state we are in. I plan to start creating some alternative sources, but that is all speculative. Plus, I hope to collect some disability in the short term. There are also fundraising activities being discussed. So, for now we are dependent on Stef’s income and whatever donations are offered. So far, I have had complete faith and peace of mind that the basics will be paid. And because of outpouring of love for Stef and I, we have been given enough to catch up on some of the basics. To receive the financial support, has been humbling. These gifts $20 to $1,000s have each touched my heart. I have shed a tear of gratitude and deepest appreciation for each. In that place, I am learning that there is no separation. That God will always provide. It is simply the most humbling experience I have ever had.

Sharing this is difficult, but I feel being open is part of the requirement of this path. I do not feel like a victim. I do know that a powerful force called cancer has touched me and it has turned my life into a whole new experience. I actually am thinking that the word survival even implies a sense of separation and victimization that I don’t really feel. I simply feel that I have encountered a force that is leaving an imprint that I must accept. Of course, from the medical perspective, this force is still present in microscopic ways in my body. It’s left a gift that will keep on giving unless; I take steps to make my physical body inhospitable to it. And that means Chemo and Radiation. That treatment will neutralize any remaining micro nest or “Rare” cells that are roaming about within me. I also plan to continue and enhance a regime of wholistic living. I already pray, meditate, and read spiritual material every morning. I now plan to add yoga and evening meditation time to my schedule. Nutrition will be a major new component of my daily life. Already, I have learned a lot about what foods, how to prepare them and when to eat them. My Mom has helped so much over the past week in spooning out new concoctions. This in itself is a gift, as she has sooo many wonderful Southern recipes that I would rather be eating, but she is making sure I’m getting anti-cancer food first. So, the cancer itself has become a powerful gift, for I am opening my life to receive a whole new way of being.

According to the Course of Miracles, “to Give is to Receive”, means that in the giving we experience and receive God. It is not the utility of the item or service we give that has the most lasting impact, it is the nature of the action itself. This does not mean that if we keep giving, we eventually reach a quota that will assure us an “E” ticket to heaven. It means that in the giving we are no longer in separation, that we are opening ourselves to heaven as we give. The Course also says we cannot give that which we do not have. Again, it is not the item or service, the gift is our natural light that shines from who we truly are as we give. In that, I believe can be found Heaven on Earth.

The real question is --- what compels us to want to give? Is it for self or for something else? And for me what compels me to be uncomfortable about receiving. Is it about my honor, pride or something else? One of the sweetest gifts I have received was from Stef’s 4yr old nephew Jackson. One night, before my surgery, he made a prayer just for me. As he was getting ready to go to bed, he folded his little hands and asked that God watch over me. What compelled him into such an action? His mother insists it was totally unprovoked by her. Yet, within him, he felt an urge to reach out to that which connects he and I and invoke a master healing prayer. Asserting Faith, Compassion and Presence in a few simple lines. I know in that moment Jackson, experienced Heaven. For him it was a totally natural, non-complicated act. In his innocence, he gave us all a model of how simple it is to give. He simply let his light shine brightly for himself and another. I am just as humbled by that beautiful child’s action and words as by any other gift we have received. As I recall that gift, I tear up and feel the love of God/dess expressed in the divine Grace. In that moment, he also gave me a deeper understanding of how natural it is to receive as well. To receive his prayer is to affirm, acknowledge and accept who he is in his bright light. There is nothing but Truth and Peace present in who he is in that prayer. In both the giving and the receiving is surrender--- release of all ego needs, past perceptions and the opportunity to return to the common root of all things in the present moment. In that place is Love given and received forever.

Thank you for your gift of reading this.

With Much Love and Life,

North